7 Reasons To Avoid Nightclubs.

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Call me a big fat nerd but I–

Actually, don’t call me that.  I’ll shatter emotionally.

Quickly, here are 7 reasons why I can’t stand clubs.

Reasons Why Clubs Are Just Absolutely Horrible.

Reason 1: The Line Up.

The line is filled with girls glittered up and guys wearing leather jackets. Why does every guy look exactly the same?  Thankfully, I am set apart with my doughy face and detailed eyebrows.  The Line Up is key because nobody believes they belong in it.  If you wait in line, you’re not cool.  To who?  I’m not sure.  Probably to the other people who are waiting in line who you think are not cool.  We must impress them.  So then we begin to suddenly know somebody who can get us in.  Chatter, as follows: “Ask the bouncer if Mikey’s working, he’ll get us in.”  “Tell them you’re with Sarah plus 10”  “This is Joey’s place man, he’s the head promoter, he’ll get us in.”

Truth is, Mikey was fired, Sarah’s passed out on a toilet at home, and there is no Joey. You just made that up.

Wait in line.

Reason 2: The Girls Who Never Have To Wait In Line.

There’s this faction of women in this world that anchor their pride in this one fundamental belief:

I never wait in line at clubs.

When you meet them, they will immediately inform you of this fact.  Wait in line?  Me?  Fuck that.  Do you know who I am?  The answer to that question is really just their name.  Look.  They even do it at job interviews.

Well, Sarah, thank you for applying to become the Chief Budget Analyst at Royal Bank, let’s get started, shall we?

Okay, fun!

Let’s start with what you think your key strengths are, Sarah.

Okay, you know at Lot?  I know the owner so me and my girls literally walk in.  Mink?  I dated the head bouncer, so they don’t even check. I can totally get you in, just text me and I’ll text him, kay?  Circa is nothing, they know us.  We’re in like thirteen of their promo pictures on their website. They kind of owe me but my friend Tony, he told—

I think I lost you.  You applied to be the Chief Budget Analyst right?

You know what I’m craving right now?  Like one of those fun peach bellinis!  Wanna go for one?

It’s 820am, Sarah.

Reason 3: You’re Really Not That Hot.

At clubs, many young ladies believe they magically turn into Victoria Secret models.  This is due to young men who magically develop cataracts.  I blame the entire system.  Guys walk into a club with one core mission: make out with anything that has an attached uterus.  This makes it easy for women who wouldn’t normally get attention at say, 10 am waiting for a streetcar downtown to transform into Jessica Alba at 230am when everyone’s heavily intoxicated.  And it’s not like the women are walking away winners here.  The guys they’re making out with?
Train wrecks.
Reason 4: Can’t We All Just Pee?

Going to the bathroom is an event at a club.  Hundreds of people seem to need to pee at the exact same time I want to.  Also, I am privy to the most inane conversation in the history of the universe.

“Dude, Sarah actually looks hot tonight. Did you see that ass? Mikey, you should deal that.”

“Dude I’ve dealt it like nine times already.”

“Fuck you, no way. When?   You lie.”

“No man seriously.  It’s true. She totally wants me.”

Then several young men deconstruct Mikey’s claim as to how he ‘dealt Sarah’ until Mikey finally exhausts all of his weak supporting arguments and runs away from the bathroom crying, flailing his arms wildly in the air. Then, while washing my hands, I get to see several young men try to fix their eleven hairs on their head, each spiked up individually.  When they have completed, they look exactly the same.

Gel doesn’t fix ugly.

Reason 5: You’re just too old.

If you’re thirty-five and you go to clubs every night, I think that’s cool.  Nothing is more appealing than someone who knows what’s hot on a Tuesday night.  And also, we enjoy when you tell us what the club was called in 1989 when you first went.  It’s like a fun history lesson!

Reason 6: Eating shit food after the club.

Actually, I have nothing against this.  I weigh a staggering one hundred and seventy-five pounds and at several points in my life, I have teetered on the brink of obesity.  Eating is absolutely tremendous.

Reason 7: People who can actually dance.

I can’t really dance.  Much like my poor swimming ability, I can’t dance. I bop my head up and down to the beat of Biggie sometimes and throw one or perhaps both of my hands up in the air, creating the fascinating facade of me actually dancing.  But this is all an illusion.  It kind of works until some dude named Hugo comes along and salsas it up with everyone while I unravel on the inside.  Who names a kid Hugo anyway?  Ass.

I already know the comments that will arrive.

Tremendous News, you’re just lame and clubs are for cool people.

You’re just nerdy and sleep at 10pm, that’s why you’re bitter.

You’re so judgemental!

Each of those is hurtful in its own way.  I am definitely nerdy and sleep early but labelling me ‘lame’ is entirely infactual.  Over the last few weeks, I’ve dined at delightful restaurants, screened a variety of films and met friends at a host of pubs.  I also rocked charades, arguably the most tremendous game on the planet.  See?  Far from lame.  Also, being judgemental is a good quality.  Don’t believe me?  E-mail Antonin Gregory Scalia, the second most senior Justice of the Supreme Court right now and show him this article.  I dare you.  I already know what his response will be.

Dude,

Tremendous News! is totally right on the club thing. And being judgemental got me to where I am right now.  I’m a Supreme Court Justice, bitch!  I’m the most judgementalist dude out there.  Keep your shit tight, and thanks for the message.

a.g.s.

PS. There’s no way in hell Mikey dealt Sarah.

Im betting she waited in line.

I'm betting she waited in line.

dee@tremendousnews.com


  • Nerdy + cool = totally awesome.

    Thank you for being my new favorite site.

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  • That is just wrong.

    I quit going to clubs in 1985. Really. Yes, I’m that fucking old. Bite me.

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  • I used to be a doorman at a bar. Some of this is very very true! Good read.

  • In a word…Skanktacular!

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  • I was just going to get ready to go out … now i am thinking it over again 🙂 great post! love it! … still i will go out, a friends birthday …

  • Thanks for helping revive painful memories of my twenties that I had all but successfully crushed, painted black, and hidden away in the darkest recesses of my mind. You are not only insightful, you are an ass for making me relive those Kodak moments.

  • me

    Dude…true story. I was a bar manager and had one of my bartenders tell this story.

    Skanky girl plus dude dissapear….dude comes back and tells bartender that skank blew him in the parking lot (LOLs adn high fives). Later, other dude is seen french kissing same skank. bartender tells him ” I wouldn’t do that if I were you”. Second dude” don’t tell me what to fucking’ do…I’ll kick your ass!”

    Lesson: Listen to your bartender.

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  • Bro, 175 pounds really ain’t a lot. You are a guy, right? I dunno, unless you’re like a midget or something??

    I like the tips though. Good point, nightclubs effin’ suck anyway. Meet you for a beer at the pub!

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  • GMNightmare

    Haha, nice… unfortunately, I fit #7…

    Good news for you though. Most people who know how to dance, don’t actually go to those clubs. We go to more private locations with other people who know how to dance. These kind of clubs actually have far less of a problem with the above… Typically because we’re there to… uh… you know… dance, not just hump the closest moving object. 😛

  • Thanks for posting this, it made my Friday!
    ~ Jim
    ~ old AND nerdy (I refer to it as a survivor)
    ~ tweet @SEO_Web_Design

  • Kelly

    Oh man…! That was the most delightful little romp down memory lane that I’ve had in a long time. Love it! And yeah, the first time I DID go to the club was in 1989! The lovely year I turned 21… Ahhhh…. It’s good to be 40…:)

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  • Dooooode. What a great post! I also agree that clubs and dancing and glittery bitches trying to be better than all the other glittery bitches is uber lame. 😀

  • I can’t believe no one has commented on the pic of the girl on the pole. The guy near her foot looks like he’s fearing for his life. He probably took her out to his car afterwards for a quickie, so it’s all good.

  • can u stop saying tremendous?
    also tremendous post. ;P

  • Zed

    I’m forty six. The last time I went to a nightclub, someone spilled alcohol on my pants. The smoke in the air had me coughing, the queue at the bar was about eight deep and all I wanted was a soda. The music was hip-hop and everyone was dancing all up on other people they don’t even know. People were dancing so nasty and naughty I was immediately intimidated.
    And, I knew I was , despite my age, the coolest person in there. Oh..and did I mention I was in there with the cops?
    lol

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  • Stephanie

    Ah ha ha ha, ohhh I think I love you.

  • Great list! It brings me back memories of when I was young.

  • Reason number 8: You'll never get that puke off your jacket
    Reason number 9: It's dark. Hard to read retweets
    Reason number 10: Stripper pole burn. That thing'll take your skin right off …I'm told. Really wouldn't know personally.

  • stephanie

    @ ann – that burn isn't from sliding down the pole incorrectly, it's the residual snail trail left behind from others trying and failing to be 'sexy' by simulating sex with an inanimate object. i hear they have creams for that now though.

  • “Gel doesn't fix ugly”. Absolutely tremendous!

  • LMAO. Okay I loved the bottom picture. Soooooo funny!!

  • i’d rather party with you anyday! you’re tremendously funny. besides judgemental people have steal trap memories. we never forget a dumbass situation.

  • monica

    ahhh but don't you see, those are the exact reasons I DO go to the club. haha

  • “Gel doesn't fix ugly.” Truer words were never spoken. Thanks for a good laugh!

  • hobizzle

    …you think 175 pounds is nearly obese? are you like 5 foot tall?

  • harinapana

    Me da demasiada risa la gente imbécil que hace comentarios que no tienen nada que ver xD

    Like, you wrote a whole book and they make compliments about the pic at the bottom.

    I consider this post laughable enough to RT.

  • harinapana

    Me da demasiada risa la gente imbécil que hace comentarios que no tienen nada que ver xD

    Like, you wrote a whole book and they make compliments about the pic at the bottom.

    I consider this post laughable enough to RT.

  • gel doesn't fix ugly! hilarious.

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  • Yo, Adrian- STFU

    40 dollars for the privelege of waiting 20 niutes for a watered down 15 dollar martini in a hot glass and no olives and having the perfumes counter chick from Macy's who thinks she owns a diamond pussy to front you on what you drive. club peeps, burn this motherdown…and go home alone 

  • Yo, Adrian- STFU

    40 dollars for the privelege of waiting 20 niutes for a watered down 15 dollar martini in a hot glass and no olives and having the perfumes counter chick from Macy's who thinks she owns a diamond pussy to front you on what you drive. club peeps, burn this motherdown…and go home alone