4 Reasons Why Swine Flu Isn’t That Bad.

This is what happens after a first date at TGI Fridays. You both had to get the Garlic Pesto?

Earlier I presented three things you should be more worried about than the Swine Flu virus.

Backne, Man-Boobs, Hemmorhoids.

This was greeted with vitriolic anger.

How dare you make fun of a disease that kills.  How dare you make light of our concern.

Hi. Vending machines kill more.

I didn’t let my daughter Casey go to school today.  I’m frightened.  And yet, you have time to post blog articles nobody reads making light of the situation.

Who names a chick Casey?  That’s so dude-ish.

Swine Flu could be the next apocalypse.

Wow, really?  Because you’re an idiot.

Let’s be exactingly clear: You are not going to contract Swine Flu.

You’re not.  You’re just not going to contract it.

If you do, I’ll give you seven thousand dollars.

Seven thousand pesos.

Seven thousand rupees.

Whatever’s worth seventy cents US.  That’s what I’ll give you.

Trust me, you won’t get Swine Flu.

Or maybe you will.

I’m not all that bright.

But to make you feel better, here’s four reasons why this Swine Flu thing isn’t that bad.

Really?  Again with the lists?  Every fucking article.  List after list.

Have you seen my readers?  One of them is eating a stapler while reading this.  They need a list.  It’s the only way they’ll actually pay attention.

Maybe they’re smarter than you give them credit for.

Nope!  I’ll ask them right now.  How many of you would actually be reading this if the title didn’t include a list of some sort?

Thank you.

Four reasons why Swine Flu isn’t all that bad.

1. Gross-ass people are actually washing their hands.

Before I became hilariously unemployed, I used to work with a kid named RJ.  He came from the backlands of Texas.  I have no idea what a ‘backland’ is, but whatever it is, I’m sure it’s a setting for a horror film.  His patchy, grotesque facial hair grew sporadically like a defective Chia Pet.   He wore the same Rush shirt four days in a row.  I was frightened to enter his workplace.  His arena of movement.

Until “swine flu” came around.

After that, RJ Purelled his hands. He constantly Purelled himself.  With the soap.  With the hand-washing.  He was so fearful of Swine Flu, he washed his hands constantly.  I co-existed with him after that.  He became, what’s the word?

Human.

Thank you Swine Flu.

2.  You can identify the conspiracy freaks.

I also worked with a big yenta named Celia. Celia was nice.  Divorced, owns seventy cats, a little weird, looked at me like I have a variety of STDs because I’m unmarried in my late twenties.

Good Ol’ Southern Folk Celia.

After Swine Flu broke, however, Celia informed me that it was the government’s way of controlling us.  They have used this fabricated disease to arrest us in fear so they can raise taxes and extract oil.  And behind it all?

Moslems.

Ha!

Hilarious.

3.  You can identify friends with devastatingly poor senses of humor.

For some reason, some people find the Swine Flu virus comical.

Not me.

Some people.  You may live and work with these people.  Inside themselves are comedians aching to emerge and yet, really?  They’re completely unfunny.  Now that the Swine Flu has usurped the headlines, they launch their greatest comedic volleys.

They said a pandemic would happen when pigs fly. Guess that’s why they call it Swine.  Flew.

Silence.

Breathtakingly horrible silence.

These are the individuals you need to avoid for the duration of this pandemic because it only gets worse.  And really?  How much can you fake-laugh in a week?

4. You know it’s not an apocalypse because of the name.

If it is humanity’s time of reckoning.  If it’s our time to meet our creator in the eye and pay for our misdeeds.  If it’s our time to be beckoned for they way we have lived.

Do you think it’ll be called Swine Flu?

It’s the dumbest fucking name in the universe.  The end of the world would be greater than this.

The Decepticons would come and we’d all battle to protect Optimus Prime.

Wait.

If anything, it’ll be much cooler than a disease that started from a pig, spread by a bunch of a Spring Breakers from Queens to contaminate the rest of the world.

It has to be.

You should take these four points and realize Swine Flu isn’t that bad.  Don’t be upset anymore.

And if you could carry on this paranoia, that would be great.

RJ takes baths now.

That’s progress.

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