About Tremendous News

3 Things You Are More Likely To Get Than Swine Flu.

Posted by Tremendous in Life. on 04 28th, 2009 | Comments

What a bunch of inconsiderate little assholes.

The world is alarmed.

In just days we have seen a pandemic emerge. A heightened awareness of a disease that has ravaged North America. An illness of epic proportions.

Swine Flu.

Every time you cough, eyebrows rise.

Mike from Accounting had a gross booger hanging from his nose. You want to know what I think? Swine Flu.

We watch everything. Trust no one.

Swine Flu has decimated our rational thinking. We’ve all turned into paranoid monsters.

We sit online and monitor the news. We get IMs from our friends freaking out. We Google Map the outbreak.

Those kids in New York got it. New York is only 39 hours away from me by car. Don’t I know someone from there? Yeah. I think my dentist is from New York. Although I think he’s from Albany. Fuck it. Canceling my appointment.

This is why you’re here.

You’re here because you know I will embrace you into my electronical bosom and nurture your fragile and shattered spirit back to health. And I’ll do it by telling you a fundamental truth. Read the following very carefully.

You’re not going to get Swine Flu.

Look up. Read that sentence again.

Not going to get it. Not you.

But you could get any of the following which would suck major amounts of ass.

1. Backne.

Yes, you thought you have waged your war against acne during your high school years. The emotionally devastating four-year void in your life where nobody would touch you and you had no friends. Wait.

Maybe just me.

But you know what I mean. The acne. Not fun. The gross pimples scattered across your face.

Now imagine them all over your back. That’s called backne. And that’s not fun either. Especially for your spouse or significant other. 1 in 4 adults claim to suffer from backne. Don’t be next.

2. Moobs.

Just for the gentlemen. You know exactly what I’m talking about. When you were younger you were proud of your chest but now? Now you’re the proud owner of a pair of man titties.

Congratulations.

1 in 3 males over 40 suffer from moobs.

They hang repulsively from your body no matter what you do. Their extraordinary size eclipse that of your wife’s. It’s sad. It’s gross. It’s fucking hilarious.

3. Hemmorhoids.

You’re a super hot chick. You parade around town in your tiny outfits and guys drool all over you. It’s good to be you.

Until you feel an itch.

At first, you think it’s nothing. Then the itch turns painful. Soon, your badonkadonk feels like it’s lit on fire. You excuse yourself to go tinkle to further investigate. And then. Then you meet it.

Your brand new hemmorhoid.

See? Three things you’re more likely to get than swine flu and all of them suck.

And trust me when I say I write from experience.

Confession?

Tremendous News! may have Tremendous Moobs.