At the end of my freshman year of college, I was moving out of my dorm.
I saw this guy Sean. Sean was a wide-receiver on the football team. Loved to work out. Blissfully unaware of the world around him.
Sean was madly in love with Sean.
I approached him and said goodbye. I wished him a great summer and hoped to see him around.
He replied with: “fucking beautiful.”
I was alarmed by this unsettling compliment. Did Sean just call me beautiful? That’s weird. Indeed, I had just gotten my eyebrows detailed that very morning. Perhaps that’s what Sean was talking about?
Sean was actually talking to his biceps. He was looking at them while I was talking to him and began dialogue.
With. His. Biceps.
We can diagnose Sean as a category-five douchebag. This is when somebody displays all five major trademarks of douchebaggyness. It’s rare to find them. Unless you live in Newport Beach.
Let’s see how you stack up.
The 5 trademarks of a douchebag:
1. You Wear An Affliction T-Shirt.
When you buy your first Affliction t-shirt, you have begun your descent into the douchebag universe. You’re not sure why you bought it. Perhaps it’s because your friend Damien has a few. You and Dame-O both like the same UFC fighter. Now, dressing up means wearing your finest jeans with your new Affliction t-shirt. Good job trailblazing through life.
2. You Have “tricked-out” Your Automobile.
You took a ’97 Corolla worth $3000 and put 19″ rims on it worth $12 000. Now you post pictures of it on HypeCorolla.com and show it to others who have done the same thing. Here is where you battle for douchebag supremacy. Do you have the highest spoiler? Do you have the most neon lights glowing underneath? How about your tint? Is it dark enough that nobody sees you when you drive your mom to Target? Wait. Be sure to take a picture of yourself topless, washing your piece of shit car for added effect. The only thing douchier than wearing your Affliction t-shirt.
3. You Think It’s Cool To Blast Your Music While Driving.
Hey, I have nothing against Lil’ Wayne. But when it’s played at 101 decibels higher than normal with distorted bass, it’s not so much fun. Plus, it’s 9 am on a Sunday and you’re in a Home Depot parking lot. Ladies, is this ever seductive? Have you ever had a time in your life where you’re walking, all hot in your tiny outfit, and then a ’97 Corolla drives by with a ten foot spoiler, pumping Soulja Boy? You know you have. Now here’s the key question: does this turn you on?
I’m betting no.
4. You Are A Club Promoter.
In reality, you work in a warehouse. There’s nothing wrong with that. You should be proud to have a job where you contribute to an organization. To society. But in your demented universe, you think you actually run a nightclub. So you tell everyone you know that you “do Fridays at Lux.” And whenever you meet a hot girl you tell them you “can get them in”. If they’re really hot, you can even pull bottle service. You’re that special. Meanwhile, all you really do is hand out flyers outside the club and stare at people. Then you go home, smoke weed, and make zero money for a wasted Friday night. And really?
You don’t need a business card.
5. You Met All Of Your Buddies At The Gym.
Usually in life, you have a varied array of social networks. And if you had a personality, you could probably keep a friend from one of them. But you’re a douche, so the only way you can relate to someone is by talking about your latest creatine cycle. This is why you’ve met all of your friends at the gym. More than likely, half of these individuals are promoters. Most of them have tricked-out automobiles with kick-ass sound systems. And all of them wear Affliction t-shirts.
If you identify yourself with just one of these characteristics, you have been infected with the douche virus. It’s still early and you can correct yourself before it’s too late.
If you identify yourself with two of these characteristics, you are probably reading the other items on this list and wondering why you haven’t done them yet. Oh dear god. I think I may have helped rocket you up the douche ladder.
If you identify yourself with three of these characteristics, your doucheyness is ripe and potent. You can stop now but you probably won’t. You’ll probably leave a comment calling me “stoopid.” Then you will LOLZ yourself.
If you identify yourself with four of these characteristics, you’re so douchey you probably read this article thinking that this was about other people unlike you. You live in a demented universe where you are unaware of your own extraordinary doucheyness. It’s almost beautifully sad. Mostly sad.
If you identify yourself with all five of these characteristics, well…
Hi Sean! Have a great summer. Hope to see you around!