The 5 Trademarks Of A Douchebag.

Once every year, the highest-ranking douchebags on the planet will unite for one picture.  After digesting this image, a little piece of you dies.

Once every year, the highest-ranking douchebags on the planet will unite for one picture. After digesting this image, a little piece of you dies.

At the end of my freshman year of college, I was moving out of my dorm.

I saw this guy Sean.  Sean was a wide-receiver on the football team.  Loved to work out.  Blissfully unaware of the world around him.

Sean was madly in love with Sean.

I approached him and said goodbye.  I wished him a great summer and hoped to see him around.

He replied with: “fucking beautiful.”

I was alarmed by this unsettling compliment.  Did Sean just call me beautiful?  That’s weird.  Indeed, I had just gotten my eyebrows detailed that very morning.  Perhaps that’s what Sean was talking about?


Sean was actually talking to his biceps.  He was looking at them while I was talking to him and began dialogue.

With.  His.  Biceps.

We can diagnose Sean as a category-five douchebag.  This is when somebody displays all five major trademarks of douchebaggyness.  It’s rare to find them.  Unless you live in Newport Beach.

Let’s see how you stack up.

The 5 trademarks of a douchebag:

1. You Wear An Affliction T-Shirt.

When you buy your first Affliction t-shirt, you have begun your descent into the douchebag universe.  You’re not sure why you bought it.  Perhaps it’s because your friend Damien has a few.  You and Dame-O both like the same UFC fighter.  Now, dressing up means wearing your finest jeans with your new Affliction t-shirt.  Good job trailblazing through life.

2. You Have “tricked-out” Your Automobile.

You took a ’97 Corolla worth $3000 and put 19″ rims on it worth $12 000.  Now you post pictures of it on and show it to others who have done the same thing.  Here is where you battle for douchebag supremacy.  Do you have the highest spoiler?  Do you have the most neon lights glowing underneath?  How about your tint?  Is it dark enough that nobody sees you when you drive your mom to Target?  Wait.  Be sure to take a picture of yourself topless, washing your piece of shit car for added effect.  The only thing douchier than wearing your Affliction t-shirt.

3. You Think It’s Cool To Blast Your Music While Driving.

Hey, I have nothing against Lil’ Wayne.  But when it’s played at 101 decibels higher than normal with distorted bass, it’s not so much fun.  Plus, it’s 9 am on a Sunday and you’re in a Home Depot parking lot.  Ladies, is this ever seductive?  Have you ever had a time in your life where you’re walking, all hot in your tiny outfit, and then a ’97 Corolla drives by with a ten foot spoiler, pumping Soulja Boy?  You know you have.  Now here’s the key question: does this turn you on?

I’m betting no.

4. You Are A Club Promoter.

In reality, you work in a warehouse.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  You should be proud to have a job where you contribute to an organization.  To society.  But in your demented universe, you think you actually run a nightclub.  So you tell everyone you know that you “do Fridays at Lux.”  And whenever you meet a hot girl you tell them you “can get them in”.  If they’re really hot, you can even pull bottle service.  You’re that special.  Meanwhile, all you really do is hand out flyers outside the club and stare at people.   Then you go home, smoke weed, and make zero money for a wasted Friday night.  And really?

You don’t need a business card.

5. You Met All Of Your Buddies At The Gym.

Usually in life, you have a varied array of social networks.  And if you had a personality, you could probably keep a friend from one of them.  But you’re a douche, so the only way you can relate to someone is by talking about your latest creatine cycle.  This is why you’ve met all of your friends at the gym.  More than likely, half of these individuals are promoters.  Most of them have tricked-out automobiles with kick-ass sound systems.  And all of them wear Affliction t-shirts.

If you identify yourself with just one of these characteristics, you have been infected with the douche virus.  It’s still early and you can correct yourself before it’s too late.

If you identify yourself with two of these characteristics, you are probably reading the other items on this list and wondering why you haven’t done them yet.  Oh dear god.  I think I may have helped rocket you up the douche ladder.

If you identify yourself with three of these characteristics, your doucheyness is ripe and potent.  You can stop now but you probably won’t.  You’ll probably leave a comment calling me “stoopid.”  Then you will LOLZ yourself.

If you identify yourself with four of these characteristics, you’re so douchey you probably read this article thinking that this was about other people unlike you. You live in a demented universe where you are unaware of your own extraordinary doucheyness.  It’s almost beautifully sad.  Mostly sad.

If you identify yourself with all five of these characteristics, well…

Hi Sean!  Have a great summer.  Hope to see you around!


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  • Anonymous

    Very funny and completely true. I enjoyed this article, but you sound bitter as fuck and that you’ve been picked on your whole life lol..

  • jtnpham

    hahahaha i didn't know that douches gel their hair straight up like that! –reminds me of goku ;D ..does this mean that goku is a douche, too?! damn! hahaha

    • Ry

      Yeah, but Trunks is alright.

  • jtnpham

    btw.. they are all totally un-sexable ;D

  • I'm never drinking Heineken again… the thought of that guy clutching his “Heiney” is too douchey for words… nice article, as always, but holy crap, what a bunch of douchebags in that picture!! You're out drinking, you're mugging for the camera…. would it kill you to crack a smile…??!?? Did you search Google Images for “douchebags”? I bet you did.

  • Pumpkin

    I live in the middle of guidoville so I can spot a tanorexic douchebag a mile away.
    Here's a site dedicated to all things doucheteabaggery:

  • FJ

    Narley… this is a good pre-screening test for my douchebag list. Thinking of which, I need more douchebags to add:

  • CraftLass

    Yup, been approached by the cheesy cheap car with quintuple it's worth accessories and the blasting music quite a few times (especially since I spent a few summers at the other capital of douchebaggery, the Jersey Shore). Even worse, they like to yell things at chicks (hot or not). I've always wanted to know if they ever scored that way, because I can't really come up with a bigger turn-off!

  • StereoID

    Excuse me for telling you but buying steroids for bodybuilding is not somethng that “douchebags” do. Maybe there are normal and nice people there who do this from many other reasons. You should know better than that.

  • Brad

    I think the true definition of a douchebag is someone who spends his/her “valuable” time concocting these pathetic little attention grabbers. Honestly, don't you people have anything better to do than criticize others?

  • What is Affliction?

  • Tim colna

    I think the author of this article: 1. Is a nerd( probably can't afford affliction).
    2. never has a fast suped up car.
    3. Does not like loud music.
    4.Was not allowed in many good clubs.
    5. Never went to the gym
    * did I say was a picked on a lot and a nerd that probably never got any PU$$y ?! lol

    • asdf

      affliction t shirts are cheap shit that you can get at ross or tj maxx for 10 bucks.  same with ed hardy.  I see you fit this list but doesn't want to admit you're a douche O:

    • Thanatos2k5

      Pretty sure the author of this article is a woman. I am also fairly certain that you are DEFCON 4 Level Douche material.

  • rev

    In other words, the 5 traits of a douche:

    1) You put thought into your clothes and have a unique sense of style.
    2) You take pride in your car, and you do what you can on your budget to make it suit your tastes.
    3) You enjoy your music.
    4) You know how to have a good night out and get paid for it.
    5) You take care of your body.

    A bigger douche is the one who sits glued to his computer for a few hours trying to come up with a clever article that attempts to define “douche.” Oh, the irony.

    • JESUS

      Troll. Has to be a troll. Too perfect.

    • Justin

      Ok the article was right on with there list, your list makes you sound like a douchebag – or someone who has no social life and is extremely overweight and hates themselves lol… People who enjoy their music and take care of their body doesn't constitute douchebaggery..

    • Conopwn

      lol at unique sense of style… if every single one is wearing an affliction t-shirt how is that at all unique? fucking retard.

  • ktkat1377

    DBZ is awesome, but the douchebag super saiyan hairstyles have to stop. If you're not a fan, don't do the hairstyle. Friggin posers.

    And to all those people who criticized this article and its author. Congratulations, you got the douche award!

  • Dame-O

    Stoopid…. LOL

  • Alexmercurymilan

    What about litening to techno and hardstyle music is that being a douchebag?

  • mick13

    Actually, I agree with this 100%
    It seems many of you douche bags where looking for an alternate definition for douche bag because you where infact wondering if you really are a douche bag.
    I am guilty of a few of these things, I have a tricked out car, but its not a douchy honda civic or a some other fast and furious rice burner with a faggy spoiler and a 4 cylinder engine. 1966 Impala ss triple black. And yes its a daily driver except for winter.
    I do play my music loud while driving, I am a musician, music is my life.
    And I am infact a club promoter, But I am also part owner. I do not like douchebags in my club. I make plenty of money without them.
    Putting thought in your clothes is one thing but douche bags all seem to conform to the typical douchebag uniform, I wear blue jeans and a regular t-shit. Not designer blue jeans and t-shirts, just wrangler or levies, Fruit of the loom and Hanes.
    I guarantee I have had better quality girls than any of these douchebags, Just an example I have dated 2 suicide girls, and several models. I don't wear cologne and im not very pretty either, fucking douchebags.

    • Ed

      So the fuck what. Who goes online and talks about their car and their women…douches do!

    • Laura

      Sure sign of a douschebag….. Admitting to all the items on this list, but saying he's above it because he doesn't drive “faggy” car. Classy, dude. Real classy. Time to upgrade the vocabulary.

  • Jr1

    A site dedicated to Douche Bags!!!

  • Well, they are quite handsome:P

    • guess, it's a instrumental message. I equivalent this substance. I essential pair few kind things from this lateral.
      This is a kind of good information. You did a good choice by sharing this to us. And I would like to share this to the other people here.

  • Consistency01

    If you hadn't posted this article I wouldn't have realized he qualified as a “douche”.  Knew he was tw*tty but had no idea a douche criteria existed.  Awesome – thanks!

  • Bbb


  • Sdfgdg

    Someone got picked on… it seems

  • Glossla

    I hated douches untill I became one I do well in life I just enjoy how annoyed people get when I dress flashy, it requires me to put on douchy apparel and all of these people get so mad, put your hate to better use there are terrorists, criminals and thieves to hate you just have such sad lives you think everyone has to obey society like little bitches. Fuck that how come whenever one person goes against what society thinks then they become vilified its really pathetic I think people who waste time complaining about douches have no life.

  • the funny thing is i know a few of those douchebags in the pictures

  • Tim Arnold

    Here's a sign that is ageless…the guy who always has a toothpick in his mouth because he thinks it makes him look “badass”. If you doubt this as a sign of douchiness, check out Jon Favreau's character “Barry” in “I Love You, Man” he pulls it off BIG TIME!!

  • Ronald Scott

    Let your man imagine you in the most seductive undergarment and make him long for more of you. Starve him of passion just by wearing a sexy lingerie before you come and fall in his arms. This can play a really big part in reinventing your love life again.The power of our dressing sense is really very strong. Buy your lady those elegant women sexy lingerie and make her the most beautiful creation in this world. Now, you can instantly buy a sexy lingerie or a club wear or Sexy Costume for your lady in the right size and color at just a few mouse clicks. Read our blog you will learn more.

  • Deadwoodpete

    With all the negativity on social media plastered on the internet condemning men who wear Affiction clothing, I decided to share my opinion. I am 50 years old. In my younger days I was a part time professional male model with a keen sense of fashion. Yes, I wear Affliction clothing. And no I am not gay, I love women and have been married 28 years. I am also a U.S. Army combat veteran. The clothes a person wears does not make a person gay, a douche bag or any other stereotypical referendum that other males want to call a person, just because of what they wear or look like. Myself, I am one of the nicest persons you could ever meet, I could even hang out with you cause I typically get along with everyone. Don't judge a book by its cover, get to know the person behind the clothes.

    • Coops

      6th trademark of a Douch: Designates himself as “one of the nicest persons you could ever meet”.

  • Laura

    Sure sign of a douschebag….. Admitting to all the items on this list, but saying he's above it because he doesn't drive “faggy” car. Classy, dude. Real classy. Time to upgrade the vocabulary.

  • Guy Random

    To be honest, it takes an even bigger douchebag (aka self-appointed fashion Nazi) to tell people what to wear, or make assumptions about them base on their clothes.