Tremendous News Celebrates A Tremendous Two Months.

Ernie and Bert were the pioneers of bromance.  We addressed that and a variety of other topics over the last two months.  But you wouldnt know that, would you?  Why?  Because you were on Boing Boing.  Shame on you.

Ernie and Bert were the pioneers of bromance. We addressed that and a variety of other topics over the last two months. But you wouldnt know that, would you? Why? Because you were on Boing Boing. Shame on you.

Two months ago, I started Tremendous News.

It was a humble beginning.  I typed furiously on the laptop I acquired at a garage sale in 2003.  I wrote for a handful of viewers.  My shithead neighbor Tom from down the street.  People who can’t use Google properly and get misdirected.  Spam-bots.

Today, everything is different.

I write for, like, three more people.

Including you.

If you’re new to Tremendous News, if you’re unaware of what I do here, I have subjected myself to an interview for your reading pleasure.  Since nobody really wants to interview me, I have interviewed myself in a creepy and alarming schizophrenic manner.

What made you start Tremendous News?

In the long-long ago, I wrote tiny notes on Facebook and posted them.  Since hundreds of my friends are unemployed and sit on Facebook all day waiting, just waiting, for anything to pop into their news feed, they read them.  However, it was tough to keep their attention when I wanted to explain what the Ponzi scheme was or why the uptick rule is needed for short-selling.

They would zone out into comas.

I can see why.  I was competing against photo albums of people doing body-shots at clubs.  The day some chick we know had a crotch-shot tagged on Facebook, I wrote about how we should modify the bailout mechanism to employ a reverse-auction to clear away toxic assets from the balance sheets of financial institutions.

Who do you think won that battle?

Crotch-shot.

So I came here.  I came here to the friendly masses of the Internet as a whole.  To unload my angry glee onto you all.  And look at you.  Look at you reading this.  Sitting there and taking it all.  You love my angry glee don’t you?  Yeah.   You do.  You love taking it all–

Wow.  That kind of went to a disturbing place we didn’t expect it to go.  Who inspired you to do this?  You seem pretty lazy.

One of my closest friends sat me down at an Indian restaurant one day, stared at me and said:

You pretty much have nothing going for you.  But you can write a little.  Why don’t you make a website and stop wasting everyone’s time with your shit?

Well, he said more things but I was too busy feeding myself like a baby wolf to notice.  I’m pretty fat.

Why “Tremendous”?

I believe the word doesn’t get the respect it deserves.  In the world of positive adjectives, tremendous was sexually violated and disposed of in a Home Depot parking lot.  It lays there quivering, frightened and cold.  I have plucked it from its ravaged state and plan to nurse it back to health.

Listen to the words that have replaced this majestic word: awesome, amazing, wicked, uber, great, fierce.  Really?  Fierce is popular?  How the fuck is fierce popular?  Dumbest word ever.  I feel like if you enjoy something, it’s tremendous. I enjoy the news.  I’m a big fat nerd who monitors three major dailies each day.  And I actually try to read the newspaper.  The newspapery newspaper from yesteryear.  So when I write articles for my site, I try to make the news even more tremendous. So far, I have failed horribly.

How do you feel about the response so far for your site?

I’ve been shocked and awed.  Mostly awed.  Just a smidgen of shocked.  After reading my open letter to the construction workers that hit on my girlfriend, one person told me that my writing “made her uncomfortable” and asked me “why do you degrade yourself?  Are you trying to be funny?”  I was like, really bitch?  It’s angry-glee.  Just kidding.  I never said that.  I replied with: “different strokes for different folks.”  I’ve always wanted to use that saying.

Also, after the article where I made fun of social media experts, one angry young man said, “Darwin theory escapes you and your genealogy will hopefully end with you.”  Which, after I looked up definitions, I realized that he didn’t want me to have children because he thought I was a complete ass-hat. Tremendous.

Overall, the response has been great.  The electronic mailings I have received have been warm and more and more visitors have piped my RSS feed into their nether regions.

Many women have fallen in love with you through your writing.  What is your message to them?

I want to tell them that unlike most of the world, I see the beauty in them, not their devastating obesity. I see their beautiful eyes, not their cock-eyed dead stare.  I see their lady-like walk, not their bow-legged gallop.  Oh, and I know who you’re talking about.

Asshole.

Many men have fallen in love with you through your writing.  What is your message to them?

Let’s just be friends.  I’d only hurt you.

Mention a few articles from your archive, so people don’t have to waste their time going through your entire shitty site.

How dare you.  But okay.

Since I am quite fashion-forward, I liked lacing into women who wear those outrageously large sunglasses. The ones that make them look like a World War II pilot.

I pretty much solved the print media crisis.  With manatees. But I’m conflicted because I know print media will die. And fuck, will it be hilarious.

I’ve been a champion of the environment.  By making fun of hippies.  Especially ones who are way too into Earth Hour.

Bartenders were outraged by my guide to tipping bartenders.

The pioneers of Bromance, Ernie and Bert would be happy that I addressed their heterosexual love for each other in my article on bromances.

My favorite topic, however, is the tiny Japanese Prime Minister, Taro Aso.  I have monitored him like Jane Goodall observing chimpanzees in a series of articles. He’s just tiny!

What’s your endgame with Tremendous News!?  Don’t you think it’s a little early to celebrate?  It’s been two months and you barely have any viewers.  Your site is ranked 651, 151st overall on Technorati.

The endgame has always been to stay loyal to those who have been loyal to Tremendous News!  Also, selling out.  Whatever’s more profitable.

Oh, and my ranking on Technorati?

You better watch your ass, BabyHealthSafety.com.

Soon, 651, 150th will be ours.

We will continue this horribly revealing interview next Friday.  If you have questions you would like answered, please leave a comment or email: admin@tremendousnews.com