5 Reasons Why We All Click On Lists.

This man is a pioneer of Top Ten Lists. And, coincidentally, the first person to blame for your ADD.

As you scan the Internet each day, you are assaulted with information.  Thus, you become selective with your attention.

Somali Pirates Arraigned.  Pass.

Another newspaper dead.  Pass.

Lisa Rinna in Playboy.  Maybe.  Wait.  She’s the chick with the huge lips, right?  Pass.

15 New Fruits You Haven’t Discovered Yet.

Fuck yes.

You don’t even care about fruit.  In fact, you eat so little fruit you haven’t discovered boysenberries yet.  Shame on you. They’re delicious.

5 Reasons Why Lists Command Our Attention.

1. Numbers give us hope. Take this New York Times article about how the Colombian drug war utilizes natives as vessels to propel cocaine trade.  Interesting.  However, what if it were named Top 5 Reasons Why Natives Shouldn’t Be Used As Mules [LMAO].  See?  You’re like, wow!  Someone laughed their ass off?  That’s tremendous.

Boom.  Traffic spike.

2. We want to be angered. In elementary school, the girls in my class put out a list called “TOP 5 BOYS IN GRADE FIVE”  Obviously, I thought I was number 1 or 2.  I didn’t realize they meant “TOP 5 BEST LOOKING BOYS.”  Because then, I’m definitely 1.  As you can tell, I never let reality get in the way of my self-perception.

I didn’t make the list.

This shattered me emotionally.  But then, I had to look at the people who did make the list.  Adrian?  That guy’s four apples high.  Bullshit.  Mikey? Really?  Mikey?  Did you notice that his glasses are affixed to his head with a blue rubber band?  It’s a rubber band people!  It’s not even a strap.  I’m not going to even comment on how Stephen made number 5.  He still carries a lunch box.  And it’s of Fraggle Rock.  Fraggle Rock, man.  We’re in grade five.  Who does that?

See?  Angered.

3. We feel like it’s simple enough for our dumbness. When I wrote Top 3 Reasons Why Women Should Say No To Big Sunglasses, people came to read it.  However, my original title was, “Hey Big Sunglasses Woman: You Look Good.  To People With Cataracts”

Nobody came.  You have to simplify for the masses.  It’s the only way to attract interest.

4. We love reading headings. A real article is full of boring-ass text.  Headings are great.  In fact, I bet a large portion of readers reading this are just skimming headings.  Which means, for my vigilant readers, I will bury a reward right here for you.  One that is only for you.  A revelation of mine that nobody knows.  Ready?  Sometimes, I pee when I laugh.*

5. We love an end. We love endings.  Like when we’re in class.  We knew school ended at 3:30.  We knew the bell would ring and we would be re-released into freedom where people didn’t ask us to differentiate things, or photosynthesize stuff.  At 2:45, I knew I was only forty-five minutes away from not being looked at like I was mildly retarded.  Or at least, less.

There was finality.

Which is what we love about lists.  Top 10 Most Awesome Blog Templates?  That seems interesting.  I mean, I need that article more than anybody.  Pause for a moment and try digesting my aesthetically compelling design.  It’s like if Monet paired up with Van Gogh and learned Photoshop, isn’t it?  In reality though, this is the product of six scotches and Microsoft Word Clip Art.

Ha.  Clip Art!  That’s so lame.

I just LMAO at Clip Art.

Time to head to the bathroom.

*I don’t really pee when I laugh, people.  That’s what we in the business like to call “comedic exaggeration.”  You might be wondering what business I’m talking about.  I don’t really know.  But I’ve always wanted to say it.  I also want to say “dollars to doughnuts” but have yet to have a chance.  Maybe in tomorrow’s post.

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