Tremendous Advice.

I’ve decided to be more altruistic.  To be a servant of the people.  To give.

Which is why I’m going to take questions and dispense ad

Im only like seven thousand million times better than this guy at giving advice.  Plus infinity.

Im only like seven thousand million times better than this guy at giving advice. Plus infinity.

vice.  I will reach out up from underneath you, cup your fragile decadent life with my hands and lift you past every challenge you face.

It’s a slow news day.

I borrowed these questions from an “Advice Columnist Contest” that is occurring on this news site. If you give the best advice, you win a one-year freelance contract to be an advice columnist for a year.

For a newspaper.

Ha.

Shall we begin?

Let’s.

I have three kids with my live-in boyfriend of 15 years and he really wants to get married. I’ve told him I’ll elope anytime, anywhere. He’s hankering for a big splashy event but I don’t want his many alcoholic, drug-addled and criminal-record laden relatives involved in our special day. We barely associate with them now! The pressure is on as he’s got our kids bugging me about when we’re going to make our family “official.” What should I do?

Wait.  Wait.  So you started dating this dude…fifteen years ago? Fifteen!  And then he delayed marriage until, well, forever?  That’s amazing.  I need to meet this guy.  How he could deal with you yapping in his ear about marriage every year and then delaying it, year after year after year for fifteen years, is extraordinary.  It’s like the Caramilk Secret.  Remember that?  The Caramilk Secret?  It was the only thing I was captivated by as a ten year-old.  I stopped doing homework for three weeks, ate hundreds of Caramilk bars until I was fat and bloated.  My mom found me comatose on my bed with caramel hanging off my grossly obese face on a Sunday afternoon and broke down and cried.  It was kind of like the show Intervention.  Have you seen that show?  You should.  That show is awesome.  But then they have the one episode where the chick’s addicted to, like, Advil or something.  Really?  You need an intervention for Advil?  Get over yourself, honey.  Look, I like Pepto Bismol like nobody’s business.  That shit tastes like candy.  I could probably down eight bottles of Pepto in the morning if I wanted to, but do I?  No.  It’s enough already with the dumb addictions.

Anyway.

Of course you’ll “elope anytime, anywhere”, what else are you doing?  You’re writing to advice column contests.  Not even real advice people.  You’re happy with a bunch of nobodies on the Internet trying to sort you out.  And you’ve probably read all of their responses and you’re sitting there, in your spotted cow peejay pants, lost and confused.

Until now.

This, right here, this sentence, this piece of advice, is the only thing you will need.  Read it carefully, re-read it, then digest it.  I’ll even make it bold, for added effect.

Leave this dude.  Now.

See, what this guy’s been doing is stringing you along.  The fact that you have fundamental problems with his crackhead buddies tells you he hasn’t changed.  In fifteen years.  Why you decided to let him knock you up, I’ll never know.  But this is a man frightened of commitment.  If he wanted to marry you, he would have a long time ago.

What we need to do is look at the actions of people instead of their words.  In his case, it’s his inaction you should look at.  Examine it.  Why hasn’t he eloped with you?  Do you really think he’s hankering for a splashy event?  Or maybe he knows you don’t like it so that’s another way to get you all angered and he can delay it another year.

Look, I know you think you’re a big yenta and probably can’t land a dude in this day and age.  But you wrote to an online website didn’t you?  That means you have the ability to use Craig’s List or eHarmony or YentaConnect or whatever you want.  You can find a dude that will appreciate you and want you for who you really are.  Even you in your horribly offensive cow peejay pants.

I hope this helps you.  You can always contact me whenever you need help.  I’m there for you, yenta.

I will solve your complex life.

You are my Caramilk Secret.

TN.

If you want advice, send your questions to advice@tremendousnews.com (names will not be published)


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  • Kris

    This is tremendous. Very entertaining, kudos.

  • I could probably down eight bottles of Pepto in the morning if I wanted
    to, but do I?  No.  It’s enough already with the dumb addictions.

  • I could probably down eight bottles of Pepto in the morning if I wanted
    to, but do I?  No.  It’s enough already with the dumb addictions.