An Open Letter To The Construction Workers That Hit On My Girlfriend.

Soldiers at the bedrock of urban expansion like to refer to my girlfriend as hot shit

Soldiers at the bedrock of urban expansion like to refer to my girlfriend as hot shit

Many of you don’t believe I have a girlfriend.

That’s fine. I’m guessing that you read my writings, fall deeply in love with my scintillating charm and cannot believe I can deliver my heart-organ to just one girl.

Flattering.

The truth is, I do have a girlfriend.  She is a wonderful human being, intelligent and warm.

Also, outrageously hot.

Each morning, she walks to work past a construction site.  I stand, peering out the window in my Kansas City Royals boxer-briefs bought at a gas station.  As she walks by, several enormous gentlemen supply an array of compliments.  Here is my response to them in a brief open letter.

I thought you were a news site.  How is this news?

Construction underpins progress.  Progress fuels innovation.  News reacts to change.  Change is hope.

You just ran out of news ideas didn’t you?

Yes.

Dear Construction Guys,

First, I’d like to introduce myself. I am dating one of the young women that you yell at in the morning.  You know her?  Blond hair?  Wears heels?  Tiny outfits?  No?  Well, she’s a girl you yell at.

Trust me.

I know your job is tough.  I know it’s a pain in the ass to wake up that early and do what you do.  I wouldn’t want to do it.  In fact, I get nauseous going to Home Depot.  How do you find a nail in that place?  I just walk around aimlessly and then buy a nail at the convenience store.  You guys are brilliant.

But when you yell horrible shit at my girlfriend?  That’s got to stop. I’ve noted a few things from what I’ve witnessed.

1. Sugar-tits is not a word.  Sugar-tits?  I mean, really?  If somebody said “hey sugar-ass-crack-peeking-out-of-your-48-inch-sized-jeans”, do you think that’s a compliment?  Of course not.  And what’s with the ass-crack hanging out?  You realize it’s just out there, right?  Disgusting.  Pull up your pants. Nobody needs to see that.

2. “Come over and say hi.”  Does that even work?  Tell me one girl that has stopped walking past you, and come over to introduce herself and say hi.  Just one.  And if that’s ever happened, I know the girl that did it.  She’s blind, deaf and three hundred and eighty-four pounds right?  I took her to the Christmas dance in eighth grade.  Trust me, she misunderstood.

3. Enough with the whistling.  It’s a girl, dummies.  A girl.  Not a golden retriever.  She’s listening to her mp3 player, thumbing her iPhone, wearing  a Gucci bag.  You think whistling is going to get her to come over to you?  Why don’t you throw a Frisbee over?  Couple the whistling with the sugar-tits and finish with a Frisbee-throw and maybe she’ll drop everything she’s holding and gallop towards you. Actually, you know what?  If that works, let me know.  How cool would that be at the cottage this summer?

Look, I’m not so juvenile that I’d threaten your life or challenge you to a fight.  I’m also smart enough to realize that you’d probably kick my ass.  But the point is, lay off my girlfriend and nobody gets hurt.  Mostly me.  We spare me getting hurt.  And how annoying would that be?  Having me comatose in the middle of your construction site while you wait awkwardly for an ambulance while my girlfriend weeps by my side.

You’d be staring at her sugar-tits wouldn’t you?

Bastards.

Best regards,

T.N.


  • Hey good on ya. I really appreciate the way that you communicate what needs to be said, but still being civislised and acknowledging the fact that they’d probably beat you up.

    Did you have the letter delivered to the guys? Or is it just on the Internet? If you haven’t, you should really have it delivered to them. Heck, include this link to provide comment if they wish…

    Leigh McCulloch

    short link to this article: http://pin.nu/letter2workers

  • Its your own damn fault, for letting her out of the house. Seriously man, did u not attend the ‘nerd girlfriend retention’ seminar this year at comic-can?

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  • “It’s a girl, dummies.”

    Lol, unfortunately for them (and fortunately for you) your girlfriend is probably the hottest girl they ever get the chance to see. Imaging what’s waiting for them at home. If indeed they have a girl at home. If indeed they have a home.

    Feel sorry for them and take it as a complement (but either demand your girlfriend drives to work, or walk her there yourself 🙂

    Nice letter 🙂

    Cheers, Ian

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  • mdtoorder

    I think I may have the solution for you both: http://hollabacknyc.blogspot.com/ (pick your city/area from there. Or maybe this one: http://www.stopstreetharassment.com/strategies/index.htm

    Good luck!

  • Magnoon

    They’re construction workers, you dummy. Considering they probably never get to reading your blog, I wonder if the messages is actually for them. I have a yacht.

  • Mia Soule

    And as soon as she rounds the corner and is out of your sight she is probably taking as much construction cock as she can get

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  • Its time you should start going out and have a ‘real’ girl friend rather than thinking all this up.

    Nice post, again 🙂

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  • I actually chocked from laughing so hard

  • nice joke, i read the whole letter and it it nicely done.. albeit it is still a joke.

  • Jpamaka

    Dude what the hell, these guys live like up the street from me (picture at top), there pretty tough SOB, I wouldn't call then basterds man, no way. It's actually pretty funny that you have a picture of a few guys from Labrador (northern Canada) on here who in no way are related to your post, nice.

  • Reesa Mac

    This is so funny, I love it.

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  • Jenny Martinez

    This open letter just cracked me up! It doesn't matter if your girlfriend is hot or not. Latinos will hit on anything that moves. Trust me, I am Salvadoran and live in El Salvador. I've been to many countries and I know that when it comes to Italians and LatinAmericans, hitting on people is just a pastime or a sport. So just let it go. Try laughing like I do when I get hit on.

  • I can deliver my heart-organ to just one girl.

  • IMaDEM0N

    well, you can sit here living in your “Pen is Mightier” Fantasy World, or you can go kick the respect into these A-holes with Steel Toed F-ing Boots. Now, You're probably a bitch in the sense that you wouldn't know where to begin…so that's why I'm here to point you in the right direction, now, you can go & learn Martial Arts the honorable way (like I did, absorbed my entire life for a long time), but if you went that route, it's more likely that you would be taught to control your anger and understand that you, having been specially trained in martial arts makes you subject to different rules than everybody else…You wanna learn A martial art that will teach you to badly hurt people, QUICK, you wanna learn a Mix of Muay Thai & Jeet Kune Do. Okay, from Muay Thai, we're going to take the Striking Aspect; more specifically striking that includes your right knee making HARD contact with your opponents groin, contact of your elbow and your opponents face or chest… & from Jeet Kune Do we take the Idea of being “Formless” so it can take any/all forms.. & Bruce Lee's “One-Inch Punch”….making contact in the center of your opponents chest (when you throw the strike aim for their Heart) & first & foremost, pick up some Steel Toed Work Boots….so you can kick them in the shin with the steel toed work boots and at the very least that will distract them or put them out of the fight before it even starts

  • IMaDEM0N

    well, you can sit here living in your “Pen is Mightier” Fantasy World, or you can go kick the respect into these A-holes with Steel Toed F-ing Boots. Now, You're probably a bitch in the sense that you wouldn't know where to begin…so that's why I'm here to point you in the right direction, now, you can go & learn Martial Arts the honorable way (like I did, absorbed my entire life for a long time), but if you went that route, it's more likely that you would be taught to control your anger and understand that you, having been specially trained in martial arts makes you subject to different rules than everybody else…You wanna learn A martial art that will teach you to badly hurt people, QUICK, you wanna learn a Mix of Muay Thai & Jeet Kune Do. Okay, from Muay Thai, we're going to take the Striking Aspect; more specifically striking that includes your right knee making HARD contact with your opponents groin, contact of your elbow and your opponents face or chest… & from Jeet Kune Do we take the Idea of being “Formless” so it can take any/all forms.. & Bruce Lee's “One-Inch Punch”….making contact in the center of your opponents chest (when you throw the strike aim for their Heart) & first & foremost, pick up some Steel Toed Work Boots….so you can kick them in the shin with the steel toed work boots and at the very least that will distract them or put them out of the fight before it even starts