A new study shows that the more time you spend on Facebook, the lower your grades are.
The more you spend on Facebook, the stupider you is.
You’re probably thinking that these results seem evident and obvious. A pedestrian study at best. We all knew that!
Here are three reasons why Facebook should make you smarter not dumber.
1. You have to manage the fine balance between friends and creepy weirdos.
Look, let’s be honest with ourselves.
We’ve all added the creepiest people on the planet at one point or another. We’re not sure why. Maybe it’s because when they friend-requested us, we looked at their picture. The one where they’re alone in front of their bathroom mirror with the phone camera. We felt sorry for them. Why are they dressed up? Are they even going out? Probably not. Oh dear. Is it New Years, too? I think it’s New Years. They dressed up on New Years Eve, took a picture of themselves in their bathroom mirror and used it as their profile image. Then they probably undressed and crawled into bed to unravel emotionally.
The least we can do is add them.
But today, they lace our wall with uncomfortable messages. The ones with the feeling of close friendship even though the last time we saw them was in a lineup at the gas station in 2003. They are the first to pepper our family photo albums with weird comments like “KEWL! You look gr8!” or “Wowwww…who’s your friend!?” Meanwhile, it’s your baby sister. Your thirteen year-old baby sister.
So each time you add something to your profile like an album, a status update, anything. You have to consider your small army of creepy weirdos. You have to judge what is appropriate for public consumption and the mass public. It’s a delicate and precarious dance.
And that takes an elevated intellect.
2. To maintain relationships, you have to lock your shit up.
I’m not calling you a cheater.
Because really? Who’s looking to date you, anyway? Just be glad you found one person that can put up with you.
I mean in general. Relationships. Friendships. Family. These are all vital elements of your life. Enter Facebook and things can go awry.
Take, for example, the day I blew off my sister to hang out with my girlfriend. We went to see a play, while I told my sister I had to work. After I got back from the play, I had to immediately bash it in my status update so my friends list could understand my intense manliness. I wrote, “that play sucked! Can’t believe I missed the Patriots game for that shit!” In reality, I thought the play was elegantly crafted with subtle undertones that conveyed a storied message. It was moving and powerful. My eye liquidated.
My sister called me the next day.
Facebook forces you to always think. Always measure. Always calculate.
I don’t even like the Patriots.
3. You have to evade the question, “didn’t you get my invite on Facebook?”
I’m not saying it takes intelligence to lie. It doesn’t. But you have to have deft social skills to work this conversation:
Hey man, are you coming to my birthday party this Saturday at Level?
Oh, no way? It’s your birthday? Happy birthday man.
Yeah. You didn’t see it on Facebook? I invited you. I was wondering why you didn’t respond. I even sent you a follow-up message. We’re getting bottle service, too.
Oh, no way? Yeah, I haven’t been on in a while.
Really? Because I thought you changed your update. Something about how you went to some play and how you missed the Patriots game.
Yeah. That’s right. I ended up dipping into a coma at Level Night Club because I wasn’t suave.
Those are three reasons why I disagree with the findings of the study. I think if you use Facebook, you’re gaining some real social intelligence that is immeasurable by any study. So go back on Facebook and have some fun. Maybe change your profile image?
Grab your camera phone and find a mirror.