3 Other “Glitches” Just Like The Amazon Glitch.

Inside this box, youll find enchanting books that will fill your world with wonder.  Heterosexual wonder, though.  Sorry.  Glitch.

Inside this box, youll find enchanting books that will fill your world with wonder. Heterosexual wonder, though. Sorry. Glitch.

It was reported that the mega-book seller Amazon had a ‘glitch’.

The glitch wiped out thousands of Gay and Lesbian themed books from their sales rankings.  It appeared at first as though it was intentional.  Critics charged Amazon with bigotry.  Amazon responded.

Glitch.

“This is an embarrassing and ham-fisted cataloging error for a company that prides itself on offering complete selection,” said Drew Herdener, director of communications at Amazon.

Ham-fisted.  Who even says that?

Here are three ‘glitches’ that I experienced in my life that are similar to this ‘glitch’ from Amazon.  Notice my tremendous use of ‘air quotes’.  Also note that I am gesticulating these quotes while typing for added effect.

Glitch 1: My Duck Donny.

When I was just a tiny-tiny boy, I had a pond.

Let’s start over.

When I was just a young and mildly obese boy, I had a pond.  In that pond, I had a duck named Donny.  I would feed Donny and play with him.  I would watch as he waddled around my yard.  I would be alarmed at the outrageous size of Donny’s doodies.  Seriously?  Who knew ducks could shit like that.  One day, my dad told me we were going to my Uncle Jack’s and I could take Donny because Uncle Jack had a huge pond and Donny could play with other ducks.

When I got there, I noticed there were no other ducks.  I let Donny down for a moment and played Nintendo.

That night, Uncle Jack served duck.

Quivering with fear as I forked the meat on my plate, I asked Uncle Jack where Donny was.  He looked over at me.

Glitch.

Glitch 2: Meaghen and the Prom.

In high school, I knew a girl named Meaghen.  She was gorgeous and her eyes were deep blue seas of happiness.  I finally summoned the courage to ask Meaghen to the prom.  Meaghen seemed uncertain.  She said yes but with trepidation.  Regardless, I was excited.  I was going to the prom with the hottest girl at school!

The night of the prom, I arrive at Meaghen’s house where her father informed me that she had already left.

With a guy named Doug.

Her father handed me a hand-written note from Meaghen which read:

Sorry!!!  Thought Doug wouldn’t be back from vacation but turned out he was.  I had the dates wrong.  Sorry again.  Can’t wait to see you there!  Sorry about the…

You got it.

Glitch.

Glitch 3: Airport Security.

I get thousands of emails every day asking me what I look like.  How tall I am.  Do I like blondes?  Am I single?

Okay, that’s a lie.   I only get spam.  Viagara specials, penis pumps.  How to get rich quick by placing small ads in the classifieds.  Really, nobody e-mails me.

But to help you visualize me, close your eyes.

Wait.  Then you can’t read.

Open them, dummy.

If you can cross Saddam Hussein with Osama Bin Laden, add a pinch of Apu from the Simpsons, sprinkle in a fatter Kal Penn and finish with a dollop of that dude from Slumdog, you’ll get me.

But picture me fatter.

There.

So now I’m at the airport.  A guy named Paul is in front of me. In from of him is a man named James.  In front of James, a lady named Sarah.

As the agent swipes the boarding passes, each of them are clear.  They proceed to the ramp to board their plane.  When they swipe mine, however, the alarm sounds.

I’ve been randomly selected.

How very random.

I ask the agent why I’ve been selected again.  Flight after flight.  Trip after trip.  Her eyes shift.  She looks down.  And then she says it.  It must be a…

Glitch.

So if you think Amazon really had a glitch, then maybe all of my glitches are actually glitches too.  I’m not so sure.

I prefer to think they were all “ham-fisted errors”.

  • Pingback: Sharnese LaNier()

  • Pingback: VitreousHumor()

  • Pingback: Champ Superstar()

  • jdawg

    my own life is a glitch…this was a funny post

  • Pingback: Cerina Aragones (LostJello) « Chat Catcher()

  • flipbooks

    Flip books may soon take over the world http://www.flippies.com

  • This is an embarrassing and ham-fisted cataloging error for a company
    that prides itself on offering complete selection,” said Drew Herdener,
    director of communications at Amazon.

  • This is an embarrassing and ham-fisted cataloging error for a company
    that prides itself on offering complete selection,” said Drew Herdener,
    director of communications at Amazon.