How Bugs Bunny Can Help Us Beat The Somali Pirates.

Elmer Fudds own personal Crying Game.

Elmer Fudds own personal Crying Game.

When I was little I wanted to be Bugs Bunny.

But due to severe anatomical challenges this was not possible.  Also, I hate carrots.

Bugs Bunny was bad-ass.

He was suave.  He could outsmart Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Wile. E. Coyote.  Even Hitler!  Cartoon Hitler, but Hitler no less.

And now, as we’re mired in the pirate crisis off the Horn of Africa, it’s time to take a lesson from Bugs.

You do realize that half of your readers take this issue seriously right?  You’re measuring a highly-controversial, political issue against a cartoon.

Half of my readers is three people.  Three.  Let them be angered.

On now to our Bugs Bunny lesson.

If you’re unaware, there are Somali pirates that are plundering commercial ships in the Gulf of Aden, the narrow doorway to the Red Sea.  They wait for a big ship to come along, they board it, capture the crew and hold it until someone drops a huge amount of money from the sky.  Last year, they pulled in over $100 million dollars.

That’s some serious business.

Just once, I wish Somali pirates would plunder my Buick LeSabre.  I’ve been trying to get rid of that piece of shit car for years now, yet nobody will take it.  If Somali pirates could plunder it, I’d be totally cool with that.  Then I’d call my insurance agent Peter from Allstate and tell him he had to pay up or the pirates would harm me.  Frightened, Peter would push the red buttom of alarm and Allstate would pay up.  They’d have to.  Then the pirates and I would go to TGI Fridays and have those deep-fried beans together and delight in our bounty.

Remind me to get on that.

Bugs Bunny now.

Bugs Bunny has this tremendous move where he is chased by Elmer Fudd.  Then Bugs hides, dresses up as a hot girl and reappears.  Elmer Fudd is dazzled by Girl Bugs and is easily seduced.  Finally, when Elmer is about to lean in and make-out with this temptress, she reveals that she is, in fact, packing large.  Elmer is disgusted and tries to shoot Bugs, but his shotgun is tied into a knot.


This stratagem is inherited from the Trojan Horse deployed by the Greeks to enter the city of Troy.  The Greeks built a huge horse they hid in, and after the Trojans thought they left, they pulled in the horse as a victory prize.  The Greek Army then sneaks out in the night and sacks the city of Troy.

Bugs did it better.

So I say we defeat the pirates the exact same way.  We take a commercial ship, load it up with iPods, Nintendo Wii’s, BlackBerry Storms, maybe the new Palm Pre, 12-year old single malt scotch, and maybe a Blu Ray DVD player.  Then we can have really hot Somali beauty pageant women parade around the ship in form-fitting outfits displaying these products in earnest.

Then we wait.

Because in the lower hull, we’ll have hundreds of elite special forces waiting.  Just waiting.  Until the pirates take the bait.

And when they do, they burst out of the hull and kick some pirate ass.  Roundhouse kick their parrots away and handcuff their hooks.

One decisive assault that will end piracy forever.

All learned from Bugs Bunny.