4 Reasons Why E-Mail Has Died.

This young lady has seen your Request for a Read Reply and doesnt really give a shit.

This young lady has seen your Request for a Read Reply and doesnt really give a shit.

It appears electronic mailings are no longer fashionable.

People just Facebook or IM each other all day.  They ferociously thumb messages on their smartphones until they develop carpal tunnel syndrome at the age of twenty-four.  They tweet themselves into comas.

Is e-mail dead?

Probably.

Here are four reasons for its demise.

1. Super Long Signatures.

You receive an email from Roger, your drinking buddy. It says: “hey dude, you wanna grab a pint after work?  R.”

For some reason, Roger finds it important to sign his name with just “R.”  How silly.  But he thinks it’s cool, so you let it go.  You think, “well the name Roger is pretty horrible in itself, so maybe just leaving “R” makes Roger feel better.  It’s his thing.”

But then.  Just after the R.  You see it.

Eighteen lines.

Roger’s position (Vice President of Sales at a Toothpaste Company)

Six of Roger’s numbers (Who’s using his alternate phone number?  Who?)

His degrees (How did Roger even get an MBA?  This is the same guy who erected a fourteen foot tall snow penis in college.  Baffling.)

His certifications (PMP?  Who even needs that?  I feel like Roger could be screwing with me and half his certifications aren’t real.  You know what?  That’s kind of cool.  Starting tomorrow, I’m telling everyone I have a level 4 PIHP certification.  Because I can.)

His email was one line, signature eighteen.

Why even abbreviate the name Roger?

2. The Creepy Quote.

Quoting Oscar the Grouch doesn’t make you abstract and interesting.  Buddha makes you sound like a fortune cookie and Sun Tzu?  You sell memberships at a gym.  A quote from the Art of War after your email about how we should renew our membership for great Spring savings is a little weird.

3. Stationery.

Years ago, I was disciplined at work by this yenta who wanted me to rinse the coffee station.  Which I refused because I never drank coffee at work.  I was the uppity asshole who went to Starbucks everyday.  So she wrote me an email informing me that I had to because I was ‘violating the system’.

This is me reading the yenta’s email.

Just to let you know, we’ve had this system in place years before you arrived and..

Wait.  What are those?  Are those daisies in the background of this email?

I think they’re daisies.

..the entire group would appreciate if you would comply so we can …

And puppies?  I think those are puppies next to the daisies!  Puppies combining forces with daisies to produce the shittiest background in the universe!  Tremendous.

..continue to operate a clean break room.

Okay, how do I turn off the puppy-daisy pee-stained background?

I appreciate your cooperation.

There!  Finally gone.

Completely zoned out of everything she just said.  I blame the stationery.

4. Typos.

This is a real email I was copied on.  It was from a gentleman who hired me and three other professionals to complete a job.

Hey guys,

I think we’re moving in the right direction.  You’ve accomplished the first milestone with good timing so we can be more aggressive in the timeline from now on.  I just don’t want us settling in our chairs when we can roll out execution even earlier.

Think about our customers.

Retards,

Gerald.

Did you catch it?  Did you see the mistake?

Now look at your keyboard.  Notice how close the G is to the T?

You do?

I didn’t.

For three hours, I thought he called me a retard.

The man who built this is teaching his staff how to create a 32% sales lift in quarter 3.

The man who built this can now teach you how to create a 32% sales lift in quarter 3.