Is The Odourprint The New Fingerprint? Unveiling the Electronic Nose.

This man's computers have calculated that you smell "not so fresh" on Thursdays at around 3pm.

This man's computers have calculated that you smell "not so fresh" on Thursdays at around 3pm.

If you think you don’t smell, you’re wrong.

According to scientists, our odourprint, or the smell we emit, could be just as unique as a fingerprint or DNA.  In fact, from our smell alone, scientists can determine our race, age, or even if we’re ill.

Tremendous.

This breakthrough in smell technology has inspired the US government to start building an ‘electronic nose’, which could be used at airports to sniff out criminals based on their smell.  It could also be used to sniff out people who smell like they’re scared.  Because if they’re scared at an airport, they could be up to mischief.

I find this idea appalling and repulsive.  Using smell is inconclusive evidence.

Example.  I’ve been told I smell like a variety of offensive odours growing up.  Curry.  Gasoline. Monkey poop. Monkey-poop curry made with gasoline.

Do I actually smell like these things?  Of course not.  My natural body fragrance is like a potpourri that I like to call, “Arctic Mist”.  But it tells you one of two things.

1. Smell is subjective.

2. The people I know hate me.

Since #2 is preposterous, we shall eliminate it.  Which means smell is subjective.  When you just get out of an Indian restaurant on I-Drive in Orlando, it’s possible you’re not going to have the same odourprint as if you just showered with Axe body gel.  Hey.  You know what?  Maybe after I play three football games on a Sunday, my odourprint isn’t so tremendous anymore.

Okay, that’s a lie.  I’ll write that again. Nakedly honest.

Hey. You know what? Maybe after I sit at a grimy pub for 8 hours watching three football games on a Sunday with my cock-eyed friend Peanut, maybe my odourprint isn’t so tremendous anymore.

That felt better.

I think it’s time to spend money on more useful things.

Like a new potpourri called ‘Arctic Mist’.