3 Reasons Why Women Should Say No To Big Sunglasses.

Away from its natural habitat of shopping malls and Bloc Party concerts, the bumblebee exists solely on Vodka coolers and jello shots.

Away from its natural habitat of shopping malls and Bloc Party concerts, the bumblebee exists solely on Vodka coolers and jello shots.

I’m not a fashion expert.

I find trendy fashion-forward people to be uppity snobs.  They follow whatever popular people wear so they can be the first person in Omaha, Nebraska to wear the latest Ed Hardy’s.

Meanwhile, I’m keeping my pants up with an extension cord.

Regardless of whether you would deem me a ‘fashion expert’, I know what I don’t like.  I know what looks silly.

Massive sunglasses on women?


Ladies, if you own a pair, throw them out.  They’re not doing anything for you.  If you’re good looking, you don’t need half your face blocked by huge plastic glasses.

Here’s three reasons why you should just say no to big sunglasses.

1. You’re not flying a World War II plane.

Aviators in the early 1940’s flew planes that sometimes had open cabins.  The wind was fierce and debris would fly into the pilot’s eyes.  For this reason, they needed large, goggle-like glasses to protect themselves.  Many of you do not fly World War II planes, do you?  You’re driving X5’s with air conditioning right?  Unless you pilot that X5 through a swarm of German fighter-jets to protect a bridge in  Arnhem, buy smaller glasses.

2. You’re not driving in a side-pod to a motorcycle.

Back in olden times, people would drive in motorcycles with their partners next to them in an attached side-pod.  These people needed large glasses due to debris and cow-dung that would fly up into their grill while they traveled.  Many times, their large glasses would protect them from cow-dung-related incidents.  However, when they commenced their journey, they were usually ignored by the driver of the motorcycle.  Because I mean really, who’s talking to someone with cow-dung on their face?

3. You do not pollinate flowering plants.

The honey bee features compound eyes that can only distinguish between six different colors.  You can tell the difference between all five Pussy Cat dolls just by their outfits.  Glasses.  Unneeded.

I know that many of you will throw your tiny hot hands up in the air and object.  You will say, “I’m hot and I can rock large glasses and I look totally hot in them.  So whatever, extension-boy-belt-man-with-a-shitty-blog-nobody-reads, I’m going to check my Facebook and then go tan.  Screw you.”

How entirely hurtful.

But you know I’m right.  You know it’s absolutely ridiculous to have kaleidoscope glasses in this day and age and it makes you look silly.  Sunglasses are for your eyeballs.  Your eyeballs.  Not for your upper cheek, parts of your upper-jaw, your forehead.  It’s enough already.  Wear normal-sized glasses and let your face do the rest.  I’m sure you’re appealing enough.

I think I need to end the analysis here.

My extension cord just broke.

Verbally assault me on Twitter here.


  • nomand

    you know what, i call them “binoculars” or “telescopes” and i absolutely agree with you. If a girl is hot, i want to see that, i want to see her eyes and not look at huge windscreens that could pretty much fit wipers onto them.. hey maybe thats a next big eye wear thing.. wipers…

  • I’m a woman and I would probably count as le’s say “oh-not-so-pretty”, but hey, who cares 😛 I read your post just in case… you newer know 😛

    Anyway, maybe hot girls are wearing those huge sunglasses because they want to save on make-up. Recession and stuff, you know. If they cover half of their face with sunglasses, 67,4% less make-up is needed. I’m just saying, if you know what I mean…

    Bah, gotta go now, my extension cord broke, too.

  • Big Glasses Protect the eye from the sun’s glare. The older you get the more damage done and the cataract surgary that will come as a result – always protect your eyes and put sunscreen on your face to protect your skin, it isn’t fashion it is protection.

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  • al Boosh

    “I’m not a fashion expert.”

    That says it all! Didn’t need to read the rest of the article. That first line’s disclaimer saved me a lot of time reading so I could simply just reply here.

  • Jack M.

    Don’t forget that women used to wear huge sunglasses to cover up their black eye from an abusive husband/boyfriend/girlfriend. Why would you want to look abused?

  • Anthony Pittarelli

    yeah my GF has a pair of these. I call he bugs eyes.

    Anthony Pittarelli

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  • obotray

    oversize glasses are better than the ULTRA pointy-toed witch heels that every man hates but women continue to wear.

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  • denise

    my girl wears some big sunglasses sometimes and it doesn’t matter what she’s NOT doing. what she IS doing is lookin fine. she doesn’t facebook, she doesn’t tan, and she isn’t ridiculous.

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  • flash91

    how about “no one finds mister magoo sexy”

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  • Kris

    As a lass, I completely agree with this. Albeit not being one of the ugliest girls around, I have yet to find a pair of big sunglasses to suit me. They all look crap.

    However, there are some rare face/glasses combinations that look good.

    But you could essentially write the same article for girls who wear mini skirts, low cut tops as well as open-toe-pumps in deepest winter…. with white snow…

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  • amish451

    ” Unless you pilot that X5 through a swarm of German fighter-jets to protect a bridge in Arnhem, buy smaller glasses.”
    Just a bit of FYI, the people who were building those German fighters (Focke Wulf-190) now build the X5 .. but then, your no fashion expert.

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  • Tom

    Who fucking cares, let them decide what kind of sunglasses they want to wear.

    Go find something worthwhile to criticize.

  • Lindsey

    I like to wear absolutely huge sunglasses. It means you can’t see half of my face, and likewise, a good portion of whatever expression is on it.

    And really, shouldn’t men be grateful that some women save them the trouble of seeing the annoyed looks they give?

  • Oh extension cord pants, when will you realize that good looking women (especially those who are that way naturally) don’t really give a fuck what you think and aren’t trying to impress you?

    Not only is it (as other posters mentioned) protection from the sun, which is especially useful for those of us hot babes with lightly pigmented eyes, but most importantly, it’s our choice, not yours. While plenty of people do blindly follow fashion trends just because they’re trendy, others *gasp* choose fashions because they LIKE them.

    Make all the snarky blog posts you want, but like the BBB lady with the white spandex pants accentuating her voluminous assets, at some point, you just have to realize, it ain’t about you and what you want or don’t want to see.

  • One reason to wear big ass sunglasses: prevention of sun damage to the eye area. That means hot chicks will stay hotter longer. I’m sure you can get behind that.

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  • marsha

    Big sunglasses are cool, I have about 5 pairs my favourites being dior sport 1 which are huge and you know what I get loads of attention when I`m wearing them. I`ve never had anyone say they dont like them.

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  • Navre

    But, just to be clear, if hot girls are wearing huge sunglasses and nothing else at all, that’s still cool, right?

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  • …but they’re just like Audrey Hepburn’s! I love her 🙂

  • Celebrities started wearing giant sunglasses to avoid being recognized. Is wearing these large plates of transparent plastic on their faces a way of screaming “Oh, I must be famous!” to every passerby?

    I say all non famous, large-sunglasses-wearing women should at least be schizophrenic. Then they can at least THINK they’re avoiding all those annoying paparazzi.

  • Hillel Kitty

    I, for one, celebrate the giant sunglasses craze. It serves 2 purposes: first, as I walk through campus it allows me to quickly identify those students that I can completely ignore without any loss of opportunity for social/intellectual stimulation. Second, they keep the snow out of my eyes when I wear my moose hat on the ski slopes (I can’t wear ski goggles with the hat, so giant sunglasses are the only thing that works. But I only wear them in Utah, so it doesn’t count)

  • Yup, they look stupid and unflattering, but it is kind of funny to watch the hot women that still think these are in style continue to wear them, maybe they will start keeping up with the trends better in the future and dump these stupid looking glasses that are so 2003.

    Hello, girls, go find a metrosexual and ask them what time it is, or better yet, what year it is!

    Hint Hint Hint Its 2009.

  • Vicky

    I actually happen to wear slightly oversized sunglasses, not as ridiculous as some but still big none the less, and it’s only because I can’t find smaller ones that compliment the shape of my face and they end up looking even worse. So sometimes, it’s not cause the girl thinks they’re being super trendy by wearing them, it’s cause they couldn’t find anything better.

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  • what the hell? why are you even saying what women should and should not do. we can do whatever we want, and if we like something then who gives a shit if someone else doesn’t. you’re not going to change everyone’s opinion about their style or what they choose to wear. i’m sure you’re not mr. fashion icon, so shut the fuck up. i’m so sick of guys bitching about what looks hot and what doesn’t. get over yourselves, you don’t look any better. nothing is ever good enough. too much makeup, you’re a whore. not enough makeup, you’re ugly. go fuck yourself reject, and quit whining about your little insecurity problem on the internet.

  • Anonymous

    you’re just plain retarded

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  • bedtyme73

    Laugh out loud funny