How to Get Off Your Smartphone and Be More Human.

Yeah, whatever.  I have an iPhone app that can do that.

Yeah, whatever. I have an iPhone app that can do that.

The prophecy has come true.

The day I forewarned when I was just a tiny-tiny boy.

When I predicted “one day I’ll be Inspector Gadget.”

And now look at the world.  We’re all Inspector Gadgets.  We’re immersed in a nerdy sea of technologies that we can’t live without.  We have smartphones. iPhones. AfricanAmericanBerries. Flip cameras. Kindles. That thing that shows you how deep the fish are when you’re fishing.  How does that even work?  So cool.

Gadgeted up the ass.

And because of these technologies we have created monsters.  The other day, a young man walked into my parked car because he was furiously textualizing on his telephonic device.  He tried to play it off.  But I knew.

And I judged.

We must save ourselves before it’s too late.  Inspector Gadget was socially awkward.  Even his niece Penny thought he was a shithead at times.  Ask yourself, do you want to be so reliant on your phone that you become socially awkward too?

I feel like right now you’re a pleasant person.  You parade around the city in your fancy garments and top hats and socialize with others.

But if you keep yourself tethered to that phone?

Monster.  Five months.

Here are four tips to help you become human again.

1. Don’t touch your phone when you’re with others.

You’re having lunch with a young lady.  You receive an email from Phil in Marketing.  He wants the slide deck you already sent him.  Phil’s an ass, we all know that. So why thumb your phone in front of the young lady to tell him that?  Do you think that impresses her?

Okay, sure she’s cock-eyed with a limp, but still.  Show some respect.

Hang on to her.  She’s all you’re going to get.

2. Delete some applications.

You have ninety-eight applications.  Recipe-tip maker.  The fart noise sound machine.  The thing you shake to tell you what restaurant is nearby.  Who even needs that?

If you keep adding applications to your phone, you’re going to keep using your phone when you shouldn’t.  Here’s a quick check list.

1. Can I make a call?  Yes.

2. Can I receive a call?  Yes.

3. Can I textualize when I need to?  Yes.

Done.  You’re good to go. Delete everything else.  Except maybe the fart noise maker.  That sounds tremendous.

3. Turn your phone off.

When you take a flight, you turn your phone off.  The world turns.  Everything is okay when you land.  You having your phone on is not essential.

The sad truth is, we all think it is.  We think if we turn off our phone, we’ll be disconnected from a world that needs us.  But really?

You sell used tires in Hoboken.  You’re not a neurosurgeon.  If nobody can reach you for a little while, they’ll be okay.

4. Read a newspaper.

You don’t need to get your news from your smartphone.  You don’t need to get it from media sources on your ‘reader’.  The quiet pleasure of reading the newspaper every once in a while, with your phone turned silent, is unparalleled.  Try it.  I know it feels like something people did during the War of 1812, but I assure you, you’ll feel better about yourself.

Just pick a paper that isn’t bankrupt yet.

There you have it.  I’m sure you can think of more tips to being human, but I better go.

I’ve been typing this on my smartphone, and the cock-eyed girl is getting restless.