Bailout Explained.

This mans reckless spending spree on coffee and watches must come to an end.

This mans reckless spending spree on coffee and watches must come to an end.

Everybody wants a bailout.

The banks. Insurance companies.  Sovereign nations.  Your asshole neighbor Tom who owns a mortgage company and wears fancy suits to work while you wear a fleece sweater from the GAP you bought in 1998.

Just me?

Just me.

The point is, everybody wants a bailout but what does that even mean?  Bailout.  You could go to wikipedia and research the definition but instead, you’ve chosen to be grossly misinformed.

Bailing something out is a term usually reserved for college pranks gone horribly wrong.  Where you have to gather a large amount of money and bail someone out of jail.  The alternative is your buddy stays in jail, gets horribly molested and spends years in therapy trying to remove the mental association that goes with the term “Mort from Philly.”

In financial terms, bailout is more of a rescue.  It’s the injection of money to shore up the bottom line of a business.

When banks had too much toxic assets on their balance sheets the bailout bought them away and made the banks look better.

When AIG couldn’t insure anything anymore because they had no money to pay back loans, the bailout paid back their loans.

When shithead Tom didn’t have anyone coming to him to get a mortgage, the government looked the other way.  Now Tom sits at home and watches Maury at 9 and Montell at 10.  I think he even watches those yentas on The View.


Bailing out, however, is a poor word choice because it assumes that the rescue is complete.  When banks need more money, they’ll come back.  When automakers realize their crappy new Chevy Volt is completely undriveable, they’ll run back for more.  It’s a constant endless loop.

Hopefully this explanation helps.  Hopefully when you read the term ‘bailout’, you’ll recall this tremendous definition.  But we’ll have to end it here.

The View starts in four minutes.