5 Tips for Blogging That I Never Used.

If you pipe out an RSS feed, this man will subscribe to it. What else is he doing?

When I started Tremendous News in February 2009, I had zero viewers.  I didn’t even visit the site.  It sucked.  Have you seen the shitty header graphic?  It’s not even rendered in high quality.  I did that on Microsoft Word.  Awful.  I just hung around in the Dashboard application and pumped out high-octane articles like the one you’re reading now.

However, I did comb the Internet for tidbits of information to help me produce a better blog.

If anyone of you just read the above sentence, noticed the word ‘tidbit’ and didn’t flinch, you are an enormous nerd.

If anyone of you just read the above sentence, noticed the word ‘tidbit’ and said, “what dumbwad would use that word?  Ever.” then you’re fine.  Carry on.

I read a few articles.  Learned that there is absolutely no way I could do any of the things they were directing me to do.  Here’s five of my findings and how I failed horribly at taking advice.  It’s probably why I’ve grown from zero viewers here at Tremendous News! to just you.

Five Tips On Blogging I Didn’t Take And Now Look At Me.

1. Choose the Right Topics.

When the world was talking about the economy, I chose Tiny Taro Aso, the leprechaun-like Prime Minister of Japan.  When they were talking about plane crashes, I wrote about Snickers’ new ad campaign.  If I could dedicate every blog post to manatees, I would.  Do you know the manatee, Cow of the Sea, has no natural predators?  Most manatees die of stupidity, swimming into boat propellers that decapitate them.  How tremendous!

2. Write for the Search Engine.

This is called SEO optimization.  That’s nerd-talk for using keywords that are very popular in search engines like Google.  For example, I’ll write the following paragraph in a highly SEO-optimized fashion and you’ll get what I’m talking about.  Google optimization is like Britney Spears hot sex Bush California economy bailout schoolgirl japanese teens penis pump.  See?  This article will now shoot to the top of Google.  Watch.

3. Guest blog.

This is where you go onto a blog and write an entry as a “guest writer.”  It is supposed to open up a new audience because everyone that reads you will become aware of you and follow you to your blog.

Really?

Who would ever let me guest blog?  I can’t see Treehugger.com having a staff meeting where one of the hippies named Whisper puts up his hand.

Hey guys?  I was just tossing an idea around in my noggin.  I feel like the guy who writes for Tremendous News should guest blog for us this week.  Sure, he’s a little angry and resentful and has openly called for an “end to hippyness”, but he could offer a new perspective on low-emission lightbulbs.

That would actually be great.  I would go onto Treehugger.com and title my post “3 Ways To Conserve Energy With Low-Emission Bulbs.”

Then I’d write: Britney Spears hot sex Bush California economy bailout schoolgirl japanese teens penis pump.

4. Comment on other people’s blogs.

I actually tried this.  I went onto some lady’s blog and commented.  I told her that her post was great.  Then some douchebag wrote after me and said something completely asinine.  I wouldn’t have known this unless I clicked on “Alert me if someone comments after me.”

I was alerted.

I immediately responded and began to unpack this gentleman’s entire post, dissecting his stupidity and quartering away his idiocy.  After I was done, I felt better.

Four restraining orders later, I’m banned from commenting.

5. Get people to subscribe.

This tip said to give people a good RSS feed.  Hours later, I realized an “RSS feed” was where someone can pipe this blog into any “reader.”  Really?  What nerd is doing this?  It’s enough already with the piping in.  Regardless, I added an RSS feed and absolutely nobody subscribed.  Actually, just one person has.  So when I log into my “Feed Burner” it says 1 subscriber.  That makes me incredibly insecure.  If I write something real shitty, does that 1 guy just leave?  If he does, I’ll have zero.  That’s the depths of losernessdom for any blog.  Zero subscribers.  I really hope he doesn’t.  Subscriber-man, if you’re out there, email me if you think our writing is declining at Tremendous News.  Don’t just leave abruptly.  I don’t think my fragile emotions can take that.

So, if you’re starting a blog and people give you tips like the ones I’ve just presented, don’t worry about it.  Your blog will probably fail anyway.  Months from now, you’ll wake up and decide to go out with the hot chick in your building instead of posting a new blog entry.

Ha!

There’s no hot chick in your building.  And if there was, she wouldn’t be looking to date you anyway.  Get it together.

The point is, you’ll fail because you’ll get bored.  You’ll stop writing.  Do something else.

I can already feel like I’ll do the same.  If that one subscriber leaves, what else do I have to look forward to?

Besides low-emission light bulbs.