5 Tips for Blogging That I Never Used.

If you pipe out an RSS feed, this man will subscribe to it.  What else is he doing?

If you pipe out an RSS feed, this man will subscribe to it. What else is he doing?

When I started Tremendous News in February 2009, I had zero viewers.  I didn’t even visit the site.  It sucked.  Have you seen the shitty header graphic?  It’s not even rendered in high quality.  I did that on Microsoft Word.  Awful.  I just hung around in the Dashboard application and pumped out high-octane articles like the one you’re reading now.

However, I did comb the Internet for tidbits of information to help me produce a better blog.

If anyone of you just read the above sentence, noticed the word ‘tidbit’ and didn’t flinch, you are an enormous nerd.

If anyone of you just read the above sentence, noticed the word ‘tidbit’ and said, “what dumbwad would use that word?  Ever.” then you’re fine.  Carry on.

I read a few articles.  Learned that there is absolutely no way I could do any of the things they were directing me to do.  Here’s five of my findings and how I failed horribly at taking advice.  It’s probably why I’ve grown from zero viewers here at Tremendous News! to just you.

Five Tips On Blogging I Didn’t Take And Now Look At Me.

1. Choose the Right Topics.

When the world was talking about the economy, I chose Tiny Taro Aso, the leprechaun-like Prime Minister of Japan.  When they were talking about plane crashes, I wrote about Snickers’ new ad campaign.  If I could dedicate every blog post to manatees, I would.  Do you know the manatee, Cow of the Sea, has no natural predators?  Most manatees die of stupidity, swimming into boat propellers that decapitate them.  How tremendous!

2. Write for the Search Engine.

This is called SEO optimization.  That’s nerd-talk for using keywords that are very popular in search engines like Google.  For example, I’ll write the following paragraph in a highly SEO-optimized fashion and you’ll get what I’m talking about.  Google optimization is like Britney Spears hot sex Bush California economy bailout schoolgirl japanese teens penis pump.  See?  This article will now shoot to the top of Google.  Watch.

3. Guest blog.

This is where you go onto a blog and write an entry as a “guest writer.”  It is supposed to open up a new audience because everyone that reads you will become aware of you and follow you to your blog.

Really?

Who would ever let me guest blog?  I can’t see Treehugger.com having a staff meeting where one of the hippies named Whisper puts up his hand.

Hey guys?  I was just tossing an idea around in my noggin.  I feel like the guy who writes for Tremendous News should guest blog for us this week.  Sure, he’s a little angry and resentful and has openly called for an “end to hippyness”, but he could offer a new perspective on low-emission lightbulbs.

That would actually be great.  I would go onto Treehugger.com and title my post “3 Ways To Conserve Energy With Low-Emission Bulbs.”

Then I’d write: Britney Spears hot sex Bush California economy bailout schoolgirl japanese teens penis pump.

4. Comment on other people’s blogs.

I actually tried this.  I went onto some lady’s blog and commented.  I told her that her post was great.  Then some douchebag wrote after me and said something completely asinine.  I wouldn’t have known this unless I clicked on “Alert me if someone comments after me.”

I was alerted.

I immediately responded and began to unpack this gentleman’s entire post, dissecting his stupidity and quartering away his idiocy.  After I was done, I felt better.

Four restraining orders later, I’m banned from commenting.

5. Get people to subscribe.

This tip said to give people a good RSS feed.  Hours later, I realized an “RSS feed” was where someone can pipe this blog into any “reader.”  Really?  What nerd is doing this?  It’s enough already with the piping in.  Regardless, I added an RSS feed and absolutely nobody subscribed.  Actually, just one person has.  So when I log into my “Feed Burner” it says 1 subscriber.  That makes me incredibly insecure.  If I write something real shitty, does that 1 guy just leave?  If he does, I’ll have zero.  That’s the depths of losernessdom for any blog.  Zero subscribers.  I really hope he doesn’t.  Subscriber-man, if you’re out there, email me if you think our writing is declining at Tremendous News.  Don’t just leave abruptly.  I don’t think my fragile emotions can take that.

So, if you’re starting a blog and people give you tips like the ones I’ve just presented, don’t worry about it.  Your blog will probably fail anyway.  Months from now, you’ll wake up and decide to go out with the hot chick in your building instead of posting a new blog entry.

Ha!

There’s no hot chick in your building.  And if there was, she wouldn’t be looking to date you anyway.  Get it together.

The point is, you’ll fail because you’ll get bored.  You’ll stop writing.  Do something else.

I can already feel like I’ll do the same.  If that one subscriber leaves, what else do I have to look forward to?

Besides low-emission light bulbs.

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  • You have a refreshingly awesome sense of humor that leaps off the letters that make up the wicked words of your badass blog. You go girl.

  • Kris

    I’m actually your one RSS feed subscriber.

    I appreciate the shout out. You go girl.

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  • Hamza

    You have my subscription and if I had an axe you would have that too, awesome blog.

  • So if piping RSS into a reader is nerdy, what is piping RSS into an imaginary profile on FriendFeed so I can view you in a specified group along with your tweets? Cause… maybe … that went a bit too far.

  • Much more than a grain of truth in this.

    I agree with all of your points and I would never dream of commenting on others blogs, even if they are awesome.

    kudos.

  • You’re just funny man! Reality bites really. Cheers for making your blog a success even without following strict “SEO methods.”

  • Upskirt panty funtime.

    I mean, awesome blog. I’ve embedded it on my feed things on my blog which I don’t fully understand, but will show your posts to me. Please keep this going, it funny.

    All the best, Neil
    http://www.storygas.com

  • Refreshing. Hopefully you would have a satisfactory subscriber count now.

  • I’m only commenting here to drive up the page rank of my own blog. Somebody named “guru” or “pro-” (can’t remember which) told me I should do that.

    Oh, and this just got Dugg.

  • Okay, I have spent the past hour stuck on your blog. I swear I have lost at least… what’s 142 – 110… 20 IQ points. I have a headache. I should have been warned off by the tagline.

    Why? I wanted to know what smarmy stuff you had to say about SEO. You’re totally misinformed, thank you.

    1. Anybody who knows anything knows that the right topic is whatever you’re writing about.

    2. You don’t write for search engines… that’s called “black hat”. Can you say black hat? I know you can. Good boy.

    3. I was going to offer you a guest blogging spot, but… epic fail.

    4. If you ripped into some poor defenseless commenter because their gravatar didn’t look right, you deserved the restraining order on commenting. If it was some other reason, you still deserved it.

    5. If you’re cool, people subscribe. If you’re not, they don’t. You – I have no idea how you managed to get that one person.

    And, what the hell is wrong with “tidbits”? It’s that tiny little 10-word bit of information readers get from your 400 word inane blogs….and I AM the hot girl in my building. If you can find a guy that doesn’t get glassy eyed when I talk about CSS, SEO, APIs, the Thesis WordPress theme or coding, I’ll eat my shorts sans ketchup… but I’m keepin’ the Coke.

    Now – I have IQ to build back up, nerdy pickup lines to come up with and a blog to subscribe to. Don’t worry. It’s not yours…

  • EPIC

  • test

  • I just found your blog and you are hilarious (and tremendous).

  • I just hung around in the Dashboard application and pumped out high-octane articles like the one you’re reading now.

  • I just hung around in the Dashboard application and pumped out high-octane articles like the one you’re reading now.

  • I did comb the Internet for tidbits of information to help me produce a better blog.

  • Great post you have shared with us.Keep it up in future too.

  • Great post you have shared with us.Keep it up in future too.