A Reply To An E-Mail Scam Artist.

Exploding-Inbox

Here at Tremendous News, I receive hundreds of e-mails everyday from readers.

Okay that’s a lie.  I get spam and porn links.  There’s this one lady who thought she was writing to another blog, so I didn’t correct her. She found out and doesn’t write me anymore.

Catherine:  Write me.  You’re all I have.

Recently, I received an email from someone who offered to give me a large sum of money.  All I had to do was reply back.  Here’s an excerpt of the letter and my response embedded.

Greetings!

It is indeed my pleasure to write you this letter, which I believe will be a surprise to you as we have never met before, and I am deeply sorry if I have in any manner disturbed your privacy.

Greetings!  I like that you started with “greetings.”  So many people start with, “hey” or “yo” or “asshole.”  Finally, a little respect.

And I don’t mind the email at all!  In fact, when I received it, I was typing my address into Google Mars.  Then I typed “Britney Spears” and “Obama” into it.  Then I googled myself.  So really, this email was a highlight.

Please forgive this unusual manner to contact you, but this particular letter is of  exceptional and very private nature.

You’re right.  Email is pretty unusual.  Whatever happened to faxes?  I feel like I just bought a fax machine and all I get are offers to steam clean my carpet and clear my air ducts.  This Christian Mission faxes me to invite me to worship with them, but they’re in Indiana.  I don’t live in Indiana.  But if I did, they seem like nice enough people.  I’d go.  Why the fuck not?

There is absolutely going to be a great doubt and distrust in your heart in respect of this email, coupled with the fact that, so many individuals have taken possession of the Internet to facilitate their deeds, thereby making it extremely difficult for  genuine and legitimate business class persons to get attention and recognition.

I totally zoned out of everything you just said here.  I was like, “doubt and distrust” sound pretty bad, but then you dropped in “facilitate their deeds” and so I started thinking about magicians and leprechauns dancing together in a forest.  That’s weird right?  I feel like that might be weird.  I mean, why would they be dancing?  Where’s the music going to come from?  There’s no iPods in the forest!  Do you think they’d be dancing to the new Eminem song, Bagpipes From Baghdad?  Seems pretty violent for leprechauns but maybe they’re like urban leprechauns.  Oh, yeah, so hopefully everything you just said wasn’t that important.

There is no way for me to know whether I will be properly understood,

Yeah. No.

but it is my duty to write and reach out to you.

Ha!

Duty.

Please, I want to introduce myself and this business opportunity to you My  name is  Dr Ola Vincent,a bank accountant.

Ola Vincent?  That’s like a girl name and boy name combining forces to create possibly the shittiest name ever.  Punch your parents in the face for naming you that.

I wish to know if we can work together.I would like you to stand as the  next  of kin to my deceased client who made some deposits to my bank.

Now you’re talking.  Some rich dude died you’re looking for someone to give his money to?  So you emailed the administrator of a blog nobody reads to offer him the entire fortune?  That makes total sense.  Thank you for thinking about me.  Even though you don’t know my name and I noticed you CC’d over 42 different email addresses.  I’m insecure enough to look past that.

He died without any registered next of kin.

He sounds like a complete asshole.  Doesn’t he have a friend?  How about his newspaper boy?  Mine is a big fat dope that I would never give any money to, but maybe his was nice.  My newspaper “boy” is actually 45, drives a Chevy mini-van and throws the paper out of the window, sometimes over my fence into my neighbors yard so it can be ravaged by his shithead dogs. Sometimes they don’t even chew it up.  Sometimes, and I’m not making this up, they like totally do stuff to it.  Do you know how unpleasant it is to read about unrest in North Korea after two dobermans just totally did your Business section?

If you are interested you do let me know so that I can give youcomprehensive details on what we are to do I urgently hope to get your  response as soon as possible.

Yeah, I’m going to pass.  I’m not really fond of you, Ola.  You didn’t even ask me a question about myself.  Like how I’m doing.  How about that, Ola?  How about just once, you care about someone besides yourself.  Maybe I had a horrible day.  Maybe I had problems at work too.

Okay fine.  I’m unemployed.

But still.

Try being more selfless.

You dick.

Best regards,

Dr Ola Vincent

Whatever.

Doctor my ass.

Bernie says, go for it.  He sounds legit.
Bernie says, “go for it. He sounds legit.”

  • Absolutely hilarious.

  • James

    Even more fun is Scam baiting… check out http://www.419eater.com/

    They’ve made scammers do some pretty hilarious things.

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  • This post made my day. Just hilarious.

  • Kim

    You’re crazy, but I like it.

  • good stuff. i think a response is warranted. why waste such a valuable opportunity for pure entertainment? i always wonder what the next step is for these guys.

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  • this is so true. so utterly wrong and true. except i don't think magicians actually dance. they're above it. assholes. and, ola? isn't that a type of greeting? that's not a name. liars.

  •  All I had to do was reply back.  Here’s an excerpt of the letter and my response embedded.

  • I receive hundreds of e-mails everyday from readers.

  • I receive hundreds of e-mails everyday from readers.