3 Ways of Knowing You’re Talking To A Social Media Expert.

After reading eleven blogs at Starbucks this morning, this man will tell you how youre way behind the curve if youre not on Web 2.0

After reading eleven blogs at Starbucks this morning, this man will tell you how youre way behind the curve if youre not on Web 2.0

Within the corridors of extreme nerdiness, a new beast has emerged.

The “Social Media” expert.

If you don’t know what “Social Media” is, don’t worry.  It’s a term that will die quickly.  Remember the “Information Superhighway”?  You do?  Wow. You’re pretty old.  That’s what we called the Internet in olden times.  When we would “log on” and “surf the world wide web” and download files in Cyberspace.

Cyberspace!  Ha. How very medieval of us!

Now, everything has changed.  Now social media platforms are all the rage.  And the ambassadors of these platforms are self-proclaimed social media experts. Nobody knows what they do.  They don’t even know what they do.  But they’re everywhere now.

Here’s how you identify a social media expert.

1. Their smartphone has seventy different applications.

You meet them at a bar.

She rapidly thumbs her AfricanAmericanBerry or iPhone, she tells you that she’s “testing the new beta of TweetBookLiteRunner 3.73.”  Then you nod your head and say, “oh no way!  Can you get email on it?”  And then she’ll look at you like Jane Goodall observing chimpanzees.

You are disappointingly stupid in her eyes.

But don’t worry.  She’ll feel sorry for you and say, “no, silly. It’s actually a new social media platform that can connect you to real-live updates from people urinating all across the world.  While you pee, TBLR3.73 actually shrinks URLs and compresses pictures and sound so people can pee with you, in real time.”

Real time!

This is the part where you want to say, “who would even want that?”  But refrain yourself.  Social media experts are dedicated to the cause of being the first people to discover any new platform.  They’ll pee while shrinking jpeg images and sending mp3 files to people if they have to.  They just want to be on the front of the popularity curve.  Being the first to do anything is like the nectar that nourishes them.

2. If they don’t agree with something, they will use the term “FAIL”.

Derivations of this are “epic fail”, and “fail fail fail”, or something that rhymes with fail.  I think “fail whale” is quite popular.  So if you’re sitting there ordering nachos at the bar, waiting for the football game to come on and you hear her say, “FAIL WHALE!”, don’t be alarmed.  Don’t even ask why she’s talking about Whales.  It’s beyond you.  It’s beyond you because you’re normal.  You’re living life like a human being that would like to co-exist with other regular human beings.  She, on the other hand, is yelling rhyming phrases about imaginary whales.  Let it pass.

3. They will tell you that you really need to “get on” a new technology.

If you’re sitting there reading your newspaper, she’ll say, “you’re reading an actual newspaper?  Gawd!  You can totally get every article you want off of FriendFeed, streamed to you, organized by your friends.  You just need a phone that can do RSS XML PHP LOL.  And it’s in real time.

Stare back.  Blink.

Assure her that you’ll “look into it.”  But really?  Don’t.  Don’t worry about getting on any of these technologies.  You don’t need to.  See that newspaper you’re reading?  You don’t need to ‘log on’ to that newspaper.  Or install any applications that require some “service pack.”  You know what’s fun?  Maybe having one pack that services everything on my computer.  How about that?

That newspaper of yours doesn’t crash.  It doesn’t ask you to make a silly username or display an avatar of you half-naked.  Because it’s real.

I know right now, you’re probably thinking, the gentleman writing this article must be 190 years old!  Nobody reads papers anymore.  Why is he so bitter?

I’m bitter for hundreds of reasons.  But really, here are 3 reasons why you don’t need to “get on” any social media platform the expert will tell you about.

1. Hi5.

2. Friendster.

3. ICQ.

What happened to those?  Exactly.

Really, I don’t know.  Maybe they’re still cool.  I’ll have to ask the social media expert.

If you’re actually a social media expert, don’t be offended.  Our antiquated blog is no match for your new, high tech platform that you just went to some launch party for.  One day maybe that will change.  Maybe Tremendous News will have it’s own portable application that can stream information to thousands of devices.

In real time.


  • Kris

    I love Fail. That must mean i’m a Social Media” expert.

    We don’t need to talk about how none of the other identifications fit me.

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  • Fab

    Hahaha. Great stuff.
    (Urinating in real time, eeeh? Why not? I already piss my time away on several of these platforms.)

  • Not a Social media expert, but one small thing… have you noticed how many newspapers are in fact “crashing”, as in closing up?

    All these sites are experiments in search of a durable solution, and participating in them is what can be so exciting.

  • I must be 190 years old because I still love newspapers. Ok, print them on recycled plastic or something, but just let me read without having the glare of a screen constantly on.

  • Alan

    I got sent this by a friend. On Twitter. Via a shrunk URL. And I read it on a smartphone.

    In real time

    Irony…

  • Darn it, I’ve failed the test.

    I guess I’ll just have to stick with being an amateur writer who uses social media as much as many people do. Thank goodness for the day job.

    Note: I’m so “not” a social media expert that I did not capitalize the world “fail”. Oh, and the use of double-quotation marks is another giveaway.

    😉

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  • Someone forwarded this to me because of a recent post I created… You made me laugh. Thanks!

  • Kim

    Ha ha, I love your writing style! This makes me feel better that 1) I’m not a “social media” expert and 2) that reading an actual newspaper is still ok!

  • Great article. Everyone has become a social media expert. I’m waiting for the TV show – Social Media. We can live blog it and twitter as they speak. Cool!

  • Wow look at all of these social media sites this blog can be shared onto!

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  • Angela

    haha a fun read – particularly for someone who works at a newspaper but yep i also got it from a tiny url on twitter ….

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  • Robyn Quinn @PR4Science

    laughed out loud – running with the wolves is more like it than whales. Thanks for the smile

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  • ha!

    I resemble this remark: “And then she’ll look at you like Jane Goodall observing chimpanzees.”

    jolly good show 😉

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  • I have been doing some investigation about what makes an “expert” in general and the term “socila media” expert has been discussed. Discuss no more – this is perfect – well written : )

  • Scott

    I find this post upsetting mostly by the fact that self-absorbed twenty-nothings tweet or share via other methods your comical observations. I originally thought this post might be insightful but realized on the 69th word this post must be your honest attempt at humor or worse yet—credibility.

    Are you dragging your knuckles while you type? I know you realize, we are reading this rant online.

    You equate the loss of ICQ (great tool) as a point of contention for not using social media “tools”. Are you equally upset that your newspaper no longer resembles the Acta Diurna? Do you have a pity-party that typeface on your newspaper is not hand set?

    Your “real” pseudo argument is that these technologies are not “real” in the same sense a newspaper is real but the same stories posted to a website are not “real”. I would call you to discuss this further but you probably do not use a phone because it is not real like a face-to-face conversation.

    Good news is that Darwin theory escapes you and your genealogy will hopefully end with you

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  • Its not the tool, it is the tools who use it. In cyberspace aka the Internet, Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes of fame is now down to 140 characters. You have issues with change that you are avoiding thru projection. Seek help.

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  • I hate being treated like a self titled social media expert when I never in all my 2 year adventures in being a quiet hero.

    Small yet wonderfully perfect audience who needed me and I only gave them the good stuff. It’s a much nicer place than the same person you’ve always been with a twitter label that reads GET HER!!!

    Despite being the antithesis of the new etiquette and follow count “class rules” that promote snobbery.

    So thanks “experts” and your impossible claims of a thing so big it would eat your and your tips for breakfast with one bite.

    Way to make it a bad thing to be a good story of success in any way.

  • hi5 is really really big in subsahara africa…especially sudan…just saying a *real* social media expert would know that…ha ha ha

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  • Dood. I call it AfricanAmericanBerry too!

  • Oh. My. God. If I were drinking coffee (from Starbucks), I’d have spewed it out laughing – this blogger/tweeter/photog can totally identify with your post here – great read (even though I found it on Twitter!) LOL

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  • Joe

    Scott meet Pattii…. Live happily ever after

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  • I still log into ICQ every day (thanks Digsby.com) and you can still download their own client – so how exactly has that gone away?

    Trés drole, but not a very useful article (other than it explained to me what a FAIL WHALE is).

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  • Al Williams

    I think this is the most spot on of up front commentary in this areas, which just means that you MUST be a social media GURU!

    Excellent article thanks- made my morning.

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  • AprilTara

    Ha! So true!

    Remember how Plurk was supposed to be the next Twitter?

  • Hello,

    I found you article very instructive and fun to read.
    would you authorize me to make a french translation of it on my blog ?

    thanks in advance for your answer.
    Best regards,
    Mike

  • This is very amusing…Here I thought social media was all about building value based relationships…never thought of including loo time….