3 Ways of Knowing You’re Talking To A Social Media Expert.

After reading eleven blogs at Starbucks this morning, this man will tell you how youre way behind the curve if youre not on Web 2.0

After reading eleven blogs at Starbucks this morning, this man will tell you how youre way behind the curve if youre not on Web 2.0

Within the corridors of extreme nerdiness, a new beast has emerged.

The “Social Media” expert.

If you don’t know what “Social Media” is, don’t worry.  It’s a term that will die quickly.  Remember the “Information Superhighway”?  You do?  Wow. You’re pretty old.  That’s what we called the Internet in olden times.  When we would “log on” and “surf the world wide web” and download files in Cyberspace.

Cyberspace!  Ha. How very medieval of us!

Now, everything has changed.  Now social media platforms are all the rage.  And the ambassadors of these platforms are self-proclaimed social media experts. Nobody knows what they do.  They don’t even know what they do.  But they’re everywhere now.

Here’s how you identify a social media expert.

1. Their smartphone has seventy different applications.

You meet them at a bar.

She rapidly thumbs her AfricanAmericanBerry or iPhone, she tells you that she’s “testing the new beta of TweetBookLiteRunner 3.73.”  Then you nod your head and say, “oh no way!  Can you get email on it?”  And then she’ll look at you like Jane Goodall observing chimpanzees.

You are disappointingly stupid in her eyes.

But don’t worry.  She’ll feel sorry for you and say, “no, silly. It’s actually a new social media platform that can connect you to real-live updates from people urinating all across the world.  While you pee, TBLR3.73 actually shrinks URLs and compresses pictures and sound so people can pee with you, in real time.”

Real time!

This is the part where you want to say, “who would even want that?”  But refrain yourself.  Social media experts are dedicated to the cause of being the first people to discover any new platform.  They’ll pee while shrinking jpeg images and sending mp3 files to people if they have to.  They just want to be on the front of the popularity curve.  Being the first to do anything is like the nectar that nourishes them.

2. If they don’t agree with something, they will use the term “FAIL”.

Derivations of this are “epic fail”, and “fail fail fail”, or something that rhymes with fail.  I think “fail whale” is quite popular.  So if you’re sitting there ordering nachos at the bar, waiting for the football game to come on and you hear her say, “FAIL WHALE!”, don’t be alarmed.  Don’t even ask why she’s talking about Whales.  It’s beyond you.  It’s beyond you because you’re normal.  You’re living life like a human being that would like to co-exist with other regular human beings.  She, on the other hand, is yelling rhyming phrases about imaginary whales.  Let it pass.

3. They will tell you that you really need to “get on” a new technology.

If you’re sitting there reading your newspaper, she’ll say, “you’re reading an actual newspaper?  Gawd!  You can totally get every article you want off of FriendFeed, streamed to you, organized by your friends.  You just need a phone that can do RSS XML PHP LOL.  And it’s in real time.

Stare back.  Blink.

Assure her that you’ll “look into it.”  But really?  Don’t.  Don’t worry about getting on any of these technologies.  You don’t need to.  See that newspaper you’re reading?  You don’t need to ‘log on’ to that newspaper.  Or install any applications that require some “service pack.”  You know what’s fun?  Maybe having one pack that services everything on my computer.  How about that?

That newspaper of yours doesn’t crash.  It doesn’t ask you to make a silly username or display an avatar of you half-naked.  Because it’s real.

I know right now, you’re probably thinking, the gentleman writing this article must be 190 years old!  Nobody reads papers anymore.  Why is he so bitter?

I’m bitter for hundreds of reasons.  But really, here are 3 reasons why you don’t need to “get on” any social media platform the expert will tell you about.

1. Hi5.

2. Friendster.

3. ICQ.

What happened to those?  Exactly.

Really, I don’t know.  Maybe they’re still cool.  I’ll have to ask the social media expert.

If you’re actually a social media expert, don’t be offended.  Our antiquated blog is no match for your new, high tech platform that you just went to some launch party for.  One day maybe that will change.  Maybe Tremendous News will have it’s own portable application that can stream information to thousands of devices.

In real time.


  • When we would “log on” and “surf the world wide web” and download files in Cyberspace.

  • When we would “log on” and “surf the world wide web” and download files in Cyberspace.

  • Jim KNight

    Wonderful post and resources. thanks for sharing.
    visit : http://www.iloveflipbooks.com/...

  • RL COMM I Social Media Expert

    There are many whose claiming that their and expert. Best thing to do is to follow this person if he or she is really an expert. The achievement of a person can tell who really he/she is. Thank you for your article; "3 Ways of Knowing You're Talking to A Social Media Expert".

  • Lisasinghcharles

    one of the funniest pieces of writing ive read in a while ... thanx for that

  • Nice, and I remember, Cyberspace, logging on AND ICQ, I'm a net dinosaur apparently.

  • flipbooks

    flip books are great http://www.flippies.com

  • Jeremy

    Nice, Dee. Nice.

  • Found this amusing..Thanks!!!

  • Randy,

    There is some truth in what you say. But here's the deal, if you waited for every new media/social media site to come into its' own, you may be too late!

    Besides, my phone only does 65 applications :)

    And as far as TweetBookLiteRunner 3.73. Really? I only have 3.71. I was told it wasn't coming out till 5 this afternoon. #FAIL

    Good stuff to help us get through our day...
    Thanks!

  • This is very amusing...Here I thought social media was all about building value based relationships...never thought of including loo time....

  • Hello,

    I found you article very instructive and fun to read.
    would you authorize me to make a french translation of it on my blog ?

    thanks in advance for your answer.
    Best regards,
    Mike

  • April Tara

    Ha! So true!

    Remember how Plurk was supposed to be the next Twitter?

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