General Motors Admits It’s Entirely Screwed.

 Hi. You're probably never going to get paid for this gig.

Hi. You're probably never going to get paid for this gig.

On Thursday morning, General Motors admitted to burning through $6.2 billion in just one quarter last year.


So wait.  You know when the media says “spending is down.”  What are we going to do about spending?  Spending stimulates the economy, we need people to spend.

GM’s listening.

They spent $6.2 billion.  In one quarter.

In all of 2008, they lost $30.9 billion.  Lost it.  Can you imagine being the CEO reporting that news?

Hey Phil, could you amp up the mic a little?  Yeah, that’s good.  Need a little water here and okay, we’re good.  Alright people, thank you for being here.  Couple things on the agenda.  First, we kinda just burned through $6.2 billion in cash last year.  Johnny and the boys up in Research got a little crazy researching some sick-ass new concepts.  So we’re like, “run with it Johnny.”  And I guess he kind of got a little crazy with the MasterCard.  But I wouldn’t blame it just on him.  I always like to say, “you gotta spend money to make money.”

Speaking of that, we actually didn’t make any money.  I know, I know.  But it’s the economy.  Shit, seriously, just wait till the economy is rocking again, we’ll be reporting some incredible earnings.   We’ll all do tequila shots, that chick right there in the pantsuit will be dancing on that camera table back there.  It’ll be awesome.  Until then, just ride it out with us.  We’re getting the government to help us out with some loans, so don’t worry.  Anyway, I got a tee-off time at about, oh, I dunno, a quarter past ..right now.  So I’m gonna head.  Any questions, just ask Johnny or Ron or one of the sixteen hundred veeps I got back here.

Oh, shit, one more thing.  We kinda lost $30.9 billion in 2008.  But remember.  Economy bad, great depression, subprime mortgage something-something.  Not our fault.  Okay, drive safe people.