Holy UBS! How The Bank May Have Hid Fortunes.

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In a memo released yesterday, UBS is accused of hiding the fortunes of 52 000 accounts.  Now federal authorities pushed the bank to release the identities behind these accounts.  In response?

UBS is like, “dude, we’ll give you 250 names.”

You know that’s not going to cut it.  So authorities have released a memo accusing UBS of helping millionaires shelter their money from taxes.  Here’s how they accuse UBS of doing it:

  • UBS created hundreds of ‘dummy’ offshore accounts where customers could hide their money
  • UBS used code words like ‘one nut’ to mean $250 000 and ‘one swan’ meant $1 million
  • The bank had color codes for currencies.  ‘Orange’ was the euro. ‘Blue’ was the British pound.  ‘Brown’ was the Indian rupee.  Okay, I just added the Indian rupee.  Nobody cares about the Indian rupee.
  • UBS is alleged to have given super millionaires tiny electronic devices with cryptic codes that they would enter to secretly transfer money.  The codes would be changed each time they accessed their money.  How cool is that?  I want one!  Although it’s much more depressing when I use my $7000 device to transfer my account balance of $23.45 from my bank account to my overdue Visa.

More news is breaking but so far, this does not look good to a bank which was once revered for its secrecy.  If UBS is forced to release names, there’ll be thousands of millionaires that will spit out their caviar and run wildly from their yacht clubs crying and flailing their weak girl arms in the air.

  • Here’s how they accuse UBS of doing it:

  • So authorities have released a memo accusing UBS of helping millionaires
    shelter their money from taxes.  Here’s how they accuse UBS of doing
    it:

  • So authorities have released a memo accusing UBS of helping millionaires
    shelter their money from taxes.  Here’s how they accuse UBS of doing
    it: